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Thursday, April 17, 2014

Four Ways You Can Afford A Second Home

This does not apply to those who maintain two households from the beginning. Until the past 6 months, our family was a one household family and we'd lived that way for over 13 years.  I went straight from living in the college dorms to living with K.  Splitting households in our case happened as way to prevent divorce (and at times I joke around and say it prevented murder as well ha,ha) but there are other reasons that households split such as when one partner relocates for a job or school.

© Monika3stepsahead | Dreamstime Stock Photos & Stock Free Images


Being a cheapskate, money was a big obstacle when it came to living the LAT lifestyle. For me, it came down to the option of divorcing a man whose lifestyle was not compatible with mine or finding a way to make the LAT lifestyle work for us. Here are some options that we went through when deciding:

1. Renting- This may be a great option depending on the area in which you are hoping to live. This did not work for us because I ended up purchasing a house in which the mortgage payment plus tax, insurance, and utilities I came out to $50-100 less than just the rent without utilities for the area.

 2. Purchasing a Duplex- There are a couple of ways this could go. You could purchase the duplex to live in as a couple each in your own living unit or you could as the spouse moving out purchase the duplex and rent out the other half for the majority of your mortgage payment. This was an option I considered. We looked at duplexes and I found the perfect one. The problem is that a duplex is going to be treated as a rental whether you are going to rent it or not and it is going to require a 20% down payment. By the time I calculated the taxes and insurance on the duplex, I was still going to be paying quite a bit per month. In addition, I would have found myself in the job of a part-time land lord.

 3. Purchasing a Second home- This option was perfect for us since we were planning to live in different areas anyway. A lot of times the terms on a loan for a second home are similar to the terms of a first home but your first and second home must be a minimum distance apart; usually 50-60 miles.  If you can stand to stay in your current situation for a few months or have friends/family that will help you out with a place to stay, you may be able to consider homes that sell cheaper because they are not move in ready such as foreclosures and short sales.  I found a second home in a fairly safe yet not the most desirable neighborhood at a good deal.

 4. Building or placing another house on the same lot as your existing home. Consider building a tiny home or moving a mobile home onto land that you already own. This wouldn't have worked for our situation because I was not happy living in the country so far away from other people and activities.

Yes, this is more expensive than living together but in the end it could potentially be a much better deal than a divorce.

How have you afforded a second home in your family? Feel free to share any ideas you have with  readers here.

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Health/Fitness Week in Review

Right now this probably seems more like a triathlon training blog. It's not my intent but it's definitely part of my self discovery at this point.

Last week, I told you about my weight loss plan.  It's a little late but today, I want to recap how it's going. We did end up eating out a couple of times last week due to travel and lack of groceries.

My fitness week:
Saturday: Biked 7 with friend (mtn bike)
Sunday: Biked 23 miles with a tri club
Monday: ran 3 and 1/2 miles pushing two year old.
Tuesday: about 2000 m or so at swim practice.
Wednesday: off
Thursday: about 2000 m or so at swim practice.
Friday: 2.5 miles running. 1 mile walking.
Saturday: OFF
Sunday: Sprint Triathlon
Monday: swim (one of those keep moving for 40 min. types of workouts)
Tuesday: OFF (appear to be getting ill)

My training actually looks a lot better when I write it out than it did as I was doing it.  My plans are to include group runs, spin sessions, and hopefully a 3rd swim day in the future.  Some of this will depend on the local schedules of local tri clubs.

As far as nutrition, I need to make getting groceries a priority even if I dread taking toddlers to the store.

Weight report
My jeans appear to be fitting better overall. Although tempting when I went to the gym yesterday, I'm not going to weigh myself.

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

White Lake Race Report

This weekend as I mentioned here, I both volunteered for the White Lake Half and completed the White Lake Sprint myself.  I also mentioned that even with the opportunity a local tri club offered me the opportunity barter volunteering for a race entry, I stilled payed more after wet suit rental and babysitting than I would have paid for a sprint in early summer that fit my family's schedule better.  It was a surprisingly wonderful experience that I would be happy to repeat (with faster times of course!)

Although we had a babysitter Saturday morning so K could coach a soccer game, he took the kids to stay several hours away from home at a hotel on Saturday night so that CC could participate in a soccer event.  I'm happy to report that K and all four kids make it back alive.  

I was very nervous about this race as I have had some poor experiences wearing a wet suit in the past. I hadn't really thought about a wet suit being necessary when I signed up for this race. I rented a wet suit the week before from a local store.  I'm not sure the wet suit I own is still legal with the new USAT rules and I'm at least 30 lbs too heavy for it at this point anyway.  I was really hoping the water would warm up to the 70's so I didn't have to wear the wet suit.  I asked repeatedly on Saturday what the water temperature was and if people thought it would warm up.  The answer was a resounding "You need to wear your wet suit!" 

I packed everything for the race on Saturday night so I arrived right on schedule at the FFA Center on Sunday morning.  I continued to be nervous about wearing a wet suit.  I met up with some people from a local tri club in transition and made sure that I started putting my wet suit on at the same time they did.   I jumped in before the race started and swam a little.  The wet suit felt good and I was reassured that everyone starts to panic in open water particularly when wearing a wet suit.  Knowing that the panic always happens in the first 200 meters when I am worried about getting off to a good start, I decided that I would take it easy and not worry about my speed.  I would focus on finishing the race.  Since I was out of shape, this was a good plan.  I was very relaxed during the swim.  Too relaxed. I forgot to spot the buoys and ended up way on the other side. I made my way back in and did the usual breast stroke around the buoys on the corner.  As I approached the ladder I remembered to undo the velcro at my neck and let water in before climbing out.   As I ran back to the transition area I remember to take my arms out of the wet suit and when I got to my place in transition, I was relieved to find out first hand that the "peel it off like a banana" advice worked well.  The wet suit came right off.

Transition seemed to go fast and I was on my bike.  I local triathlete passed me pretty quickly on the bike. I've biked very little lately and the headwind was terrible.  And then it was a tail wind.  And then the headwind was bike.  I could go fast on the headwinds and slowed to 13 mph in the headwinds due to being out of shape.  I had been nervous about the two loop course thinking I'd want to be done after seven miles instead of fourteen but I found I was just more prepare for the second loop.

I took a little more time  in the second transition and headed out on the run reminding myself to just put one foot in front of the other.  Another familiar face passed me at the water station at the one mile mark. I tried to stay with her for awhile but she was going faster than I wanted to go.  This course was an out and back course which is a lot of fun because I can see the people behind me and in front of me.  Triathletes in general tend to encourage each other a lot and this always helps me keep a positive attitude.  A lot more people passed me but my only goal was to not walk and I made that.

The next day, I was so sore I could barely walk and almost fell down a small set of stairs. I definitely need to work on getting in better shape before I plan another race.

Things I did well at:
The swim.  I almost always swim well but I was proud of myself for making it through my first swim in different wet suit.  The swim program I am enrolled in at the gym has undoubtedly helped in this area.

Things I need to improve:
For the bike, I'm going to try to attend two spin classes as week. Being a mom with two small children and two older children it's not always feasible to get on my bike as much as I'd like.

For the run, I'm planning to join one group run and one group track workout to try to build up my running ability.  I know I have more potential in this area.

In short, I need to work out more.  

Monday, April 14, 2014

On Volunteering for an Event

This past weekend, I was given the opportunity to volunteer for the White Lake Half Triathlon in exchange for a race entry into the White Lake Sprint the following day through a local triathlon club.   This was truly not a deal for me since the scheduling required me to pay for both a wet suit and a babysitter which made the cost a lot more expensive than paying full cost for the triathlon after my children were finished with their spring sports.  Despite the swap not being a good financial deal, volunteering for a race was an amazing experience.

A van dropped me off on a corner in the middle of nowhere on the bike course around 9:30 am and I was a little anxious about spending the allotted seven hours there.  Armed with a sandwich, two large bottles of water and some protein bars, I felt prepared for everything except boredom.  As I boarded the van with other volunteers I was thinking that maybe I should have brought a fully charged Kindle to keep me entertained.  It turns out that my corner was near the beginning of the bike course and by 11:30 am all the bikers had passed us.

Shortly after the last biker passed, the volunteer van came by and picked me up.  We rode through the rest of the 56 mile bike course picking up volunteers, cleaning up water stations, and even picking up a triathlete that dropped out.   It was fun to talk with other volunteers and their reasons for being there.  Some of them had family members competing in the race, one lady was volunteering as a way to keep participating as she recovered from injury, and there was a college tri club that had volunteered as a group.  As we road, we checked out several of the athletes that had stood out to us as we were at our stations.  The ones that had refused water and others that we were concerned about whether or not they were in shape to go the entire distance.

Once we arrived back at the race site, I was asked to help work the finish line.  I really lucked out being placed at the finish line.  When I'm doing a triathlon myself, I don't have the opportunity to see the winner cross the line (or any of the many, many others who come in in front of me) and I'm usually off recovering somewhere when the people behind me come in.  It was very nice to see the first and last people and every one in between come in at this race.

I don't know if it is because the distance was so long, or if it's always like this but watching the emotion of the finish line was an experience I won't forget.  I'm not sure I've ever seen a set of pictures capture it but someone who is a photographer certainly should go to a race and focus only on the emotion of the finish line.

Some memorable moments that I wish I could share with you:

1. The men that came across the line with a kid hanging on each arm.
2. The woman who finished the entire half iron distance after wrecking her bike with road rash covering her back.
3. The many sets of women who stopped before they crossed the finish line and gave each other a big hug.
4. All the people who came across the line holding hands.
5. The coaches who ran across the line with the every day athletes they were training.
6. The man who came back to the finish line to hug the volunteer that had helped him stay on his feet.
7. The woman who was visibly upset and worried when there was no sign of her husband long after she expected him to cross the finish line.
8. All the teams waiting at the finish line to greet the teammates they'd trained so hard with.
9. The spouses that greeted the finishers with admiration and support.
10.  All the cheers and high fives of congratulations.

At one point, someone turned to the college volunteers at the finish line and said "If you think you are ever too out of shape or too heavy to do a triathlon. Don't! Look at all of these people who are finishing the race."  It wasn't an insult. It was a comment of admiration for these people.  It is truly amazing what these people accomplished.

Some people think I'm nuts but I think I want to volunteer again.  Just to volunteer.  Maybe there will be a time this summer when I can do that.

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

My Painless Weight Loss Plan

The tri-shorts CC wants to borrow

This morning CC, my skinny as a rail 11 year old daughter, picked up a pair of tri-shorts that I purchased two years ago.  My big toe wouldn't fit in them now.

"Hey Mom," she said, "Can I borrow these for my next triathlon?"

I looked over to see she was already trying them on and they fit perfectly.  Was I really that thin two years ago? I'm sure I stretched them out a little more than she did so I probably wasn't THAT skinny but it is a painful reminder of the 30 pounds I gained while pregnant with B that I never lost.

I used to dream of being one of the women that came out of pregnancy thinner than I went in but I always had a minimum weight gain of 35 pounds and most of the time it was much higher.    Add to that the stress of life since B was born which ultimately led to me moving to a new city and trying to juggle my telecommuting job with a baby and toddler mostly alone in addition to having two older children with me part time.  I've been easy on myself.  I've let exercise fall by the wayside in the name of being a busy, working mom and while I was still eating some good foods I was indulging in a lot of junk like the time I bought an entire box of Reese's Cups that I was going to give to K but ended up eating myself.

So what is my plan?  I'll preface the details by saying that there is nothing scientific about it as it is based on my previous experiences.

1. I'm tossing out the scales.
We have a scale at K's house. If I went back through the list of things that would be mine, this one of them as I think it was a gift a while ago.  However, I know that when I do things right, I lose an average of 5 lbs per month until I get to my ideal weight.  I also know that the scale causes stress because I appear to be at a weight loss stand still until all at once I lose 5 lbs.  I'm really after losing clothing sizes anyway.

2. I'm going to enjoy being active.
Everyone has or could have a sport that they really enjoy. I enjoy the sports involved in triathlon and that's what I'm going to focus on. I also like to exercise socially as opposed to alone and it must be something that gets my heart rate up. I discovered during my last pregnancy that running and swimming with a low heart rate are also no fun for me.

Now that I know that I'm in this location for the foreseeable future, this also means doing a bit of research to figure out a schedule for workouts that might work for me and how to work that around taking care of my kids.  I asked our local Roadrunners Club about bringing my double stroller to runs and they said they have lots of women who do just that.  Most of the tri clubs in the area seem to do a lot of workouts on the weekends so I plan to attend these hoping to enlist K's help watching the kids.  Our local YMCA offers childcare with membership so any of their classes are good during childcare hours. I am already committed to swimming there twice a week.  Overall my goal is to find a group workout of some type 5 or 6 times a week.

I would encourage everyone to find something they truly enjoy.  Exercise doesn't have to be alone and it doesn't have to be running on a treadmill, riding a stationary bike, or the dreaded walking.  There's kayaking, martial arts, yoga, volleyball, and sports of which many of us have never heard.  Pick something that you are going to look forward to doing and improving.  Keep trying new things until you find the one thing that you look forward to.  In my opinion exercise, should not be done for weight loss; it should be done for the love of the activity.

3. Eating at home.
We are going to commit to eating at home in both households.  This alone has caused a lot of weight loss in the past. Even eating at "good" restaurants seems cause weight gain for me.  As a family of 6, we really can't afford to eat out that often anyway so this should trim more than just our waistlines.  Next, I'm going to severely limit the amount of refined sugar I consume and commit to replacing as much as possible with stevia. Lastly,we as a family are going to commit to lowering the amount of processed foods we are eating.






Friday, April 4, 2014

A Busy Day with the Kids

I want to thank every for being so encouraging.  Over the past week, I've had messages from lots of women who've told me their stories.  I've had people who said they supported my posts and having gone public about our living separately.   Thank you. It means a lot to know there is love out there.

The most important piece of my life is my children.  We have four; 3 daughters and a son.  CC is 11 years old.  SS is 8 years old.  Little M is almost three years old and our youngest B is one year old.  Little M and B have primarily lived with me over the last 6 months as they have a few more needs that only a mama can really provide.  CC and SS had some activities they needed to finish up at the old house and for now the plan is for them to stay here with me on a more long term basis as soon as their activities are over.

CC was with us yesterday and we had so much fun.  The night before I made my first attempt at homemade ice cream.  I was discouraged from using the ice cream maker at the other house so I splurged and got a cheap one for my house.  I didn't realize I was supposed to freeze the bowl for 6 hours and so to prevent so much disappointment I promised to make it first thing in the morning and we'd have ice cream and pancakes for breakfast.  After a few more bumps in the road, we made the ice cream with coconut milk and it was so good!

Then it was time to head off to the pool for a swim practice in which I felt particularly good. I was late arriving as usual and this time that meant sharing a lane with different people.  To my surprise, due to a little miracle call drafting, I was able to keep up and even complete the longer distances on time.  It was a good feeling.

After a quick lunch, we were off to watch a soccer game in which CC played an awesome game of goalie only letting two by her in the last 5 min. of the game.  The last she played this team, the other team scored so many goals I lost count.

We dropped the little ones off at a child care center I use frequently so I can get my work done.  Instead of heading home to get my work done, we headed over to a local sports store to participate in a "scavenger hunt" in which CC and I ran/walked 3 miles to get raffle tickets.  We didn't win anything but we had such a good time together.  And that's the way exercise should be!

Then we picked up the little ones and headed home to work for real Thank goodness all days aren't so busy!

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Little Fish in a Big Sea

image source: http://www.openclipart.org/image/800px/svg_to_png/189414/cutie-fish-in-water.png

I have lived in small towns all my life.  Let me tell you the definition changes a lot from place to place.  This is a conversation that took place fairly soon after I got to college:

Friend: Are you from a small town or a city?
Me: I'm from a small town
Friend: Oh, so you are used to this type of place.
Me: Oh no.  There is a Walmart here.  That makes it a big city.

Now, of course, the tiny town I grew up in also has a very tiny Walmart but it's still a tiny town.  It's not quite as much in the middle of nowhere as where I've spent the past 12 1/2 years and it seemed to have more to do as the nearest shopping was only 30 min. away.

Now, I've moved to civilization for the first time in years.  I am truly happy to be living where I am and I'm so thankful that I have the opportunity to be here.  The truth is that  I'm getting a little overwhelmed at the possibilities. There are so many things I want to be involved in and as a mom of four kids with an almost full time job that carries strange hours at times, it's just not going to be possible to participate in everything.  So I narrowed my frequent participation down to the one activity that I know I chose for myself years ago.  I'm focusing on what little triathlon training I have time to get in.

And even with the focus of triathlon training (which in itself involves swimming, biking, and running) there are so many options!  There are at least four separate clubs and I hear there are more.  I quickly eliminated one because it was very expensive with no childcare options.  I attended the meeting of another but I really stuck out like a sore thumb with my secondhand clothes and toe shoes.  I was happy to chose the one where people showed up to dinner in their work out clothes. I am definitely comfortable there.  But even beyond the clubs related classes, coached sessions, and extra rides and runs are overwhelming to keep up with.  Add in that it is  necessary to coordinate childcare for those workouts and it's enough to make my head spin.

Sometimes we just sit at home but the idea that I could go somewhere is wonderful.  For so long the options weren't available.


Tuesday, April 1, 2014

"Why are you doing this to yourself and your family?"


Image courtesy of Stuart Miles / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
No one has actually asked that question to me yet but I know how people talk.  I know that you aren't supposed to talk about your personal life in public much less on the Internet where all can read it.  So why am I doing this?

Writing is therapy
Writing is the best therapy for me. I've written things since I was young just to feel better.  I've written them in journal form, in letter form, in story form, in any form you can imagine and it does make me feel better.  So why not just keep it private?  I learned a long time ago that I really feel better when I can write interactively.

Living apart together is fairly new
There may specifically be other people who are choosing to live apart for various reasons including jobs, life style choice, etc who may be looking for others in a similar situation.  We are learning lessons every day about what's working for us and what isn't.  I don't mind sharing those lessons at all.

So others see they aren't the only ones.
All those years ago when I was looking for someone in a similar situation, I never found one until the last few years. The problems were there but no one was talking about them. I want people to see that there may be times when living in the same house isn't going to work but there may be other solutions to try before you completely give up and get a divorce.  Marriage doesn't have to be black and white.

When I published my first post a couple of days ago, I had many women contact me.  Many of these women  had done as we were always told.  They'd kept quiet about the problems until one day they were announcing their divorce. Keeping quiet about your troubles can cause a lot of health problems as I stated in my original post.  It can also cause a lot of stress and anger (which lead to the health problems).  In addition, these women shared similar experiences with churches and friends turning against them when they decided they just couldn't take it any more.

So many times, I've sat in a circle of women while they talked.  I've heard them say "I can't believe that couple is getting a divorce.  They seemed so perfect for each other"  OR I've heard as they judged  a couple "There are no problems worth getting a divorce over.  Whatever the issues are, they are just not working hard enough."   I've always wanted to speak up and say "I understand how they might want a divorce. I can understand that they've worked so hard that they just can't work any harder."

One woman even declared multiple times that if everyone just read the same book and followed every step in it that they would have a marriage made in heaven.  At the time I agreed because if someone had been thoughtful enough to do those things for me, I would have cried a lot of happy tears.  Now, many years later, I realize those things weren't done for me because those were not the things that my husband valued.  I was doing those things instinctively but in my marriage, those things just weren't going to work.  I was missing a lot of important information.

I'm not advocating that you should share your marital problems with everyone who'll read them like I have. I am saying that when someone reaches out to us because they need an ear, we should listen.  I'm saying that we shouldn't judge when we don't know anything about the situation or even if we only know one side.  I'll caution that actually speaking the words "there are two sides to every story"  is probably a really bad idea.   Just keep in mind there there are two sides.  I also saying that I'm writing this blog in support of all those women and maybe even men who feel like they are the only ones struggling to find a solution.

I think the biggest thing we need to remember is that no one can understand the problems in a particular relationship unless they are in it.  And from someone who's "been there", sometimes even then it's' hard to understand.  As women, why do we tear each other down so much rather than building each other up?

And finally, I'm not writing about living separately to encourage anyone else to live separately.  I lived in the same house struggling for a solution for over 12 years.  This is definitely not a solution for small problems.  This is a solution as a last resort before divorce.



Potluck for a Family of 6



Image courtesy of Daniel St. Pierre / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

When something goes right I really want to tell you about it since there may be others in a similar situation looking for ideas to make it work.  Last night, my husband had an amazing idea that went really well.  

Our kitchen has always been a major issue.  Not an issue that would make or break a marriage but it's definitely a topic that has caused some tension.  It all started back when we moved in together.  

K was going to be spending the summer with his parents while he completed an internship required for college graduation.  He visited on the weekends.  He moved his stuff from his apartment into the one we shared. He set his kitchen stuff on the living room floor.  For two weeks I walked around his kitchen stuff and finally put it away.  The next weekend I asked him why he left it on the floor.  His response was "I wanted you to set up your kitchen the way you wanted it."  I had to remind him that he hated my cooking and if he wanted me to cook he was going to have to eat what I cooked.  K has done most of the cooking since that day because I don't cook like his Mamaw. 

We spent 13 years trying to get the kitchen right.  I would put things away when I did the dishes and K would never be able to find them because I didn't put them away in the right spot.  He'd do the dishes and put them away in the "right" spot and I wouldn't be able to find what I needed in the kitchen.  Now, neither of us wants the other in our own kitchen any more than we want to be in each other's kitchens.  Team work has never been something we excelled at together and  there was especially no teamwork in the kitchen.

Then something amazing happened last night.  K called me and said "I'll bring roasted veggies if you will cook the roast I left in your fridge."  And that is exactly what happened. We made dinner separately to eat together.  I didn't follow his detailed instructions on how to fix the roast and he ate it anyway. 

We live an hour apart so it can't be an every night affair but I really liked the way it went.  It might be the very first time we've worked together to achieve something besides a high stress environment.

Who does the cooking at your house?