"Why are you doing this to yourself and your family?"

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

No one has actually asked that question to me yet but I know how people talk.  I know that you aren't supposed to talk about your personal life in public much less on the Internet where all can read it.  So why am I doing this?

Writing is therapy
Writing is the best therapy for me. I've written things since I was young just to feel better.  I've written them in journal form, in letter form, in story form, in any form you can imagine and it does make me feel better.  So why not just keep it private?  I learned a long time ago that I really feel better when I can write interactively.

Living apart together is fairly new
There may specifically be other people who are choosing to live apart for various reasons including jobs, life style choice, etc who may be looking for others in a similar situation.  We are learning lessons every day about what's working for us and what isn't.  I don't mind sharing those lessons at all.

So others see they aren't the only ones.
All those years ago when I was looking for someone in a similar situation, I never found one until the last few years. The problems were there but no one was talking about them. I want people to see that there may be times when living in the same house isn't going to work but there may be other solutions to try before you completely give up and get a divorce.  Marriage doesn't have to be black and white.

When I published my first post a couple of days ago, I had many women contact me.  Many of these women  had done as we were always told.  They'd kept quiet about the problems until one day they were announcing their divorce. Keeping quiet about your troubles can cause a lot of health problems as I stated in my original post.  It can also cause a lot of stress and anger (which lead to the health problems).  In addition, these women shared similar experiences with churches and friends turning against them when they decided they just couldn't take it any more.

So many times, I've sat in a circle of women while they talked.  I've heard them say "I can't believe that couple is getting a divorce.  They seemed so perfect for each other"  OR I've heard as they judged  a couple "There are no problems worth getting a divorce over.  Whatever the issues are, they are just not working hard enough."   I've always wanted to speak up and say "I understand how they might want a divorce. I can understand that they've worked so hard that they just can't work any harder."

One woman even declared multiple times that if everyone just read the same book and followed every step in it that they would have a marriage made in heaven.  At the time I agreed because if someone had been thoughtful enough to do those things for me, I would have cried a lot of happy tears.  Now, many years later, I realize those things weren't done for me because those were not the things that my husband valued.  I was doing those things instinctively but in my marriage, those things just weren't going to work.  I was missing a lot of important information.

I'm not advocating that you should share your marital problems with everyone who'll read them like I have. I am saying that when someone reaches out to us because they need an ear, we should listen.  I'm saying that we shouldn't judge when we don't know anything about the situation or even if we only know one side.  I'll caution that actually speaking the words "there are two sides to every story"  is probably a really bad idea.   Just keep in mind there there are two sides.  I also saying that I'm writing this blog in support of all those women and maybe even men who feel like they are the only ones struggling to find a solution.

I think the biggest thing we need to remember is that no one can understand the problems in a particular relationship unless they are in it.  And from someone who's "been there", sometimes even then it's' hard to understand.  As women, why do we tear each other down so much rather than building each other up?

And finally, I'm not writing about living separately to encourage anyone else to live separately.  I lived in the same house struggling for a solution for over 12 years.  This is definitely not a solution for small problems.  This is a solution as a last resort before divorce.