How I really Feel

I'm going to interrupt our story for a couple of days because I feel the need to share some other things at the moment.

Today, I met someone for coffee that I really don't know that well.  I mentioned that K was at home with the kids and then later mentioned that his house is actually close to her house.  It seems so normal to me most of the time that I forget that the rest of the world thinks our living arrangements are weird.

She said " How do you live apart like that? My husband lived away and only visited on weekends for two months and that was hard!"

I felt liked I'd been punched,  Our whole marriage when I'd confide in people, I'd hear a lot of things.

• "That's normal for YOU and that's what matters."
• "He's just being a man."
• "He just wants you to take care of him. That's your job."
• "Things aren't really like that when you are married. You are expecting too much (a fairytale)."
• "At least he's really nice."

I tried to take all of the advice in.  I stuffed my feelings inside but all around me, I hear and see the truth.  I see the way that couples look at each other. I hear conversations amongst friends about their marriages. I can hear the love in their voices as spouses talk about each other.   It's really amazing that even when friends' complain about their husbands, the love they have for each other shines through anyway.  It really can't be hidden and I wouldn't want them to.  I have children and I want them to see these things. I want them to see the way things should be and not what a situation prevents me from having with their father. 

Lots of people LAT for different reasons.  In my case, I'd be lying if I said I didn't want what those other couples have.  I'm not sharing anything I haven't told K a million times. 

Budgeting Two Households

Today, we had a huge argument.  It was about money.

 With one household, we were really on top of our game.  Early in our marriage, I had nothing better to do and since we were two people living on one first year teacher's income, I pinched pennies until they bled. We never felt like we had to do without but I was very, very careful.  It was 2001 and  we only went shopping once per month.  We shopped the sales circular. Whatever was on sale the week K got paid was what we ate for the entire month. Our budget for feeding two and household items was $150.  We purchased certain bulk items like rice and flour from a warehouse store and then everything else as described above. We purchased no milk, eggs, fruit, or anything to drink.  We drank water and the rest I deemed unnecessary since we were childless and slightly poor.  After I had a job at one point, we had gas in ONE car and none in the other.  Debt scares me.  I don't feel like we are going to be making a ton later in life to pay off the debt.  So, I drove K to school and picked him up for the rest of the month.   Luckily as time went on and our family grew we were able to stretch out a bit not worry so much while still remaining quite frugal.

Fast forward to 2014 when we have separated into two houses and have maintained joint finances.  Things aren't quite as easy now. We put down most of our pennies on the second house.  For one thing, it's hard for either of us to monitor where the money is being spent since we aren't noticing new things walk into the house, we see each other's eating habits, and we have different views of necessities.  A common argument here is that I bought a house we didn't need.  I claim that he didn't sell a house that we didn't need.  Either way things can get pretty stressful and I would think this is a normal "growing pain" of the situation.

So, I sat down with our budget that I made.  It had all necessary expenses listed in one column.  The next column contains the amount spent on every item.  Then there is a column with each of our names and the expense amounts we are responsible for taking care of every month. We do what we can to make sure that we have the right amounts in each account.  I took another look at our bank accounts.  We should be fine.  It will be close because the fall is always hard due to being paid at odd times but we should be fine.

As a side note, things that are not included in the budget are fun expenses for the family because we try to pay those up front rather than installments.  We try to keep as few payments as possible so we don't have to tell one of the kids they have to stop an activity in the middle. Or me either. My hope is that if it comes down to not being able to afford something we will have some warning and will be able to think about how to handle it. Most of the time I feel like you'd have to pry my gym membership and swim practices from my cold dead hands but I know if I had some warning I could come up with a creative way to replace it.

Four Ways You Can Afford A Second Home

This does not apply to those who maintain two households from the beginning. Until the past 6 months, our family was a one household family and we'd lived that way for over 13 years.  I went straight from living in the college dorms to living with K.  Splitting households in our case happened as way to prevent divorce (and at times I joke around and say it prevented murder as well ha,ha) but there are other reasons that households split such as when one partner relocates for a job or school.

© Monika3stepsahead | Dreamstime Stock Photos & Stock Free Images

Being a cheapskate, money was a big obstacle when it came to living the LAT lifestyle. For me, it came down to the option of divorcing a man whose lifestyle was not compatible with mine or finding a way to make the LAT lifestyle work for us. Here are some options that we went through when deciding:

1. Renting- This may be a great option depending on the area in which you are hoping to live. This did not work for us because I ended up purchasing a house in which the mortgage payment plus tax, insurance, and utilities I came out to $50-100 less than just the rent without utilities for the area.

 2. Purchasing a Duplex- There are a couple of ways this could go. You could purchase the duplex to live in as a couple each in your own living unit or you could as the spouse moving out purchase the duplex and rent out the other half for the majority of your mortgage payment. This was an option I considered. We looked at duplexes and I found the perfect one. The problem is that a duplex is going to be treated as a rental whether you are going to rent it or not and it is going to require a 20% down payment. By the time I calculated the taxes and insurance on the duplex, I was still going to be paying quite a bit per month. In addition, I would have found myself in the job of a part-time land lord.

 3. Purchasing a Second home- This option was perfect for us since we were planning to live in different areas anyway. A lot of times the terms on a loan for a second home are similar to the terms of a first home but your first and second home must be a minimum distance apart; usually 50-60 miles.  If you can stand to stay in your current situation for a few months or have friends/family that will help you out with a place to stay, you may be able to consider homes that sell cheaper because they are not move in ready such as foreclosures and short sales.  I found a second home in a fairly safe yet not the most desirable neighborhood at a good deal.

 4. Building or placing another house on the same lot as your existing home. Consider building a tiny home or moving a mobile home onto land that you already own. This wouldn't have worked for our situation because I was not happy living in the country so far away from other people and activities.

Yes, this is more expensive than living together but in the end it could potentially be a much better deal than a divorce.

How have you afforded a second home in your family? Feel free to share any ideas you have with  readers here.

A Busy Day with the Kids

I want to thank every for being so encouraging.  Over the past week, I've had messages from lots of women who've told me their stories.  I've had people who said they supported my posts and having gone public about our living separately.   Thank you. It means a lot to know there is love out there.

The most important piece of my life is my children.  We have four; 3 daughters and a son.  CC is 11 years old.  SS is 8 years old.  Little M is almost three years old and our youngest B is one year old.  Little M and B have primarily lived with me over the last 6 months as they have a few more needs that only a mama can really provide.  CC and SS had some activities they needed to finish up at the old house and for now the plan is for them to stay here with me on a more long term basis as soon as their activities are over.

CC was with us yesterday and we had so much fun.  The night before I made my first attempt at homemade ice cream.  I was discouraged from using the ice cream maker at the other house so I splurged and got a cheap one for my house.  I didn't realize I was supposed to freeze the bowl for 6 hours and so to prevent so much disappointment I promised to make it first thing in the morning and we'd have ice cream and pancakes for breakfast.  After a few more bumps in the road, we made the ice cream with coconut milk and it was so good!

Then it was time to head off to the pool for a swim practice in which I felt particularly good. I was late arriving as usual and this time that meant sharing a lane with different people.  To my surprise, due to a little miracle call drafting, I was able to keep up and even complete the longer distances on time.  It was a good feeling.

After a quick lunch, we were off to watch a soccer game in which CC played an awesome game of goalie only letting two by her in the last 5 min. of the game.  The last she played this team, the other team scored so many goals I lost count.

We dropped the little ones off at a child care center I use frequently so I can get my work done.  Instead of heading home to get my work done, we headed over to a local sports store to participate in a "scavenger hunt" in which CC and I ran/walked 3 miles to get raffle tickets.  We didn't win anything but we had such a good time together.  And that's the way exercise should be!

Then we picked up the little ones and headed home to work for real Thank goodness all days aren't so busy!

"Why are you doing this to yourself and your family?"

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

No one has actually asked that question to me yet but I know how people talk.  I know that you aren't supposed to talk about your personal life in public much less on the Internet where all can read it.  So why am I doing this?

Writing is therapy
Writing is the best therapy for me. I've written things since I was young just to feel better.  I've written them in journal form, in letter form, in story form, in any form you can imagine and it does make me feel better.  So why not just keep it private?  I learned a long time ago that I really feel better when I can write interactively.

Living apart together is fairly new
There may specifically be other people who are choosing to live apart for various reasons including jobs, life style choice, etc who may be looking for others in a similar situation.  We are learning lessons every day about what's working for us and what isn't.  I don't mind sharing those lessons at all.

So others see they aren't the only ones.
All those years ago when I was looking for someone in a similar situation, I never found one until the last few years. The problems were there but no one was talking about them. I want people to see that there may be times when living in the same house isn't going to work but there may be other solutions to try before you completely give up and get a divorce.  Marriage doesn't have to be black and white.

When I published my first post a couple of days ago, I had many women contact me.  Many of these women  had done as we were always told.  They'd kept quiet about the problems until one day they were announcing their divorce. Keeping quiet about your troubles can cause a lot of health problems as I stated in my original post.  It can also cause a lot of stress and anger (which lead to the health problems).  In addition, these women shared similar experiences with churches and friends turning against them when they decided they just couldn't take it any more.

So many times, I've sat in a circle of women while they talked.  I've heard them say "I can't believe that couple is getting a divorce.  They seemed so perfect for each other"  OR I've heard as they judged  a couple "There are no problems worth getting a divorce over.  Whatever the issues are, they are just not working hard enough."   I've always wanted to speak up and say "I understand how they might want a divorce. I can understand that they've worked so hard that they just can't work any harder."

One woman even declared multiple times that if everyone just read the same book and followed every step in it that they would have a marriage made in heaven.  At the time I agreed because if someone had been thoughtful enough to do those things for me, I would have cried a lot of happy tears.  Now, many years later, I realize those things weren't done for me because those were not the things that my husband valued.  I was doing those things instinctively but in my marriage, those things just weren't going to work.  I was missing a lot of important information.

I'm not advocating that you should share your marital problems with everyone who'll read them like I have. I am saying that when someone reaches out to us because they need an ear, we should listen.  I'm saying that we shouldn't judge when we don't know anything about the situation or even if we only know one side.  I'll caution that actually speaking the words "there are two sides to every story"  is probably a really bad idea.   Just keep in mind there there are two sides.  I also saying that I'm writing this blog in support of all those women and maybe even men who feel like they are the only ones struggling to find a solution.

I think the biggest thing we need to remember is that no one can understand the problems in a particular relationship unless they are in it.  And from someone who's "been there", sometimes even then it's' hard to understand.  As women, why do we tear each other down so much rather than building each other up?

And finally, I'm not writing about living separately to encourage anyone else to live separately.  I lived in the same house struggling for a solution for over 12 years.  This is definitely not a solution for small problems.  This is a solution as a last resort before divorce.

Potluck for a Family of 6

Image courtesy of Daniel St. Pierre / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

When something goes right I really want to tell you about it since there may be others in a similar situation looking for ideas to make it work.  Last night, my husband had an amazing idea that went really well.  

Our kitchen has always been a major issue.  Not an issue that would make or break a marriage but it's definitely a topic that has caused some tension.  It all started back when we moved in together.  

K was going to be spending the summer with his parents while he completed an internship required for college graduation.  He visited on the weekends.  He moved his stuff from his apartment into the one we shared. He set his kitchen stuff on the living room floor.  For two weeks I walked around his kitchen stuff and finally put it away.  The next weekend I asked him why he left it on the floor.  His response was "I wanted you to set up your kitchen the way you wanted it."  I had to remind him that he hated my cooking and if he wanted me to cook he was going to have to eat what I cooked.  K has done most of the cooking since that day because I don't cook like his Mamaw. 

We spent 13 years trying to get the kitchen right.  I would put things away when I did the dishes and K would never be able to find them because I didn't put them away in the right spot.  He'd do the dishes and put them away in the "right" spot and I wouldn't be able to find what I needed in the kitchen.  Now, neither of us wants the other in our own kitchen any more than we want to be in each other's kitchens.  Team work has never been something we excelled at together and  there was especially no teamwork in the kitchen.

Then something amazing happened last night.  K called me and said "I'll bring roasted veggies if you will cook the roast I left in your fridge."  And that is exactly what happened. We made dinner separately to eat together.  I didn't follow his detailed instructions on how to fix the roast and he ate it anyway. 

We live an hour apart so it can't be an every night affair but I really liked the way it went.  It might be the very first time we've worked together to achieve something besides a high stress environment.

Who does the cooking at your house?

Here's My Party

Image courtesy of m_bartosch] / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Someone suggested recently that my husband and I throw a party to announce our relatively new living situation much in the same way a couple would if they were getting married.  This was suggested because I mentioned some of the very rude comments I've gotten.

The back story

We were married in almost 13 years ago and right away it was obvious that we had some abnormal problems in our marriage.  The problems showed up on the first day. They didn't even wait a week, a month, or a year as they do in most marriages.  We didn't know what was causing all these problems.  The problems began to cause a lot of disagreements quickly.  I was online trying desperately to find others in the same situation in hopes of fixing the problems. I didn't find any examples of similar situations.

When I got a job and we had childcare for our daughter, I called a religious counseling organization and asked for an appointment.  We got a few things fixed but since we didn't know the root of the problems, they still existed.

Through the years I tried antidepressants sand even ADHD medication for a time.  The troubles had taken such a toll that my body was actually getting sick and the ADHD medication likely sped that up a little.  Luckily a friend recognized some other symptoms I was having and suggested I find an integrated doctor who was able to help me stop the problems and get back on track.

Before our fourth child was born, I decided that I must just be too angry at my husband and I contacted another religious organization for marriage counseling.  Since we were still missing the root cause of the problems this also did no good.

A week or two before our fourth child was born, I had an epiphany.  I knew exactly what was wrong and so did he.  If you have had children before, you know that a week or two before any child is born is NOT the time to have an epiphany.  Five months or so later, I found a new therapist for us and was able to walk in and tell her the problem.  She would not have believed me if I didn't send her weekly journals of what was going on.

In October of 2013, I made plans to go to the beach to think for three months.  It was very nice to be away from the problems and near other people where I could just be who I am.  Being away from the problems was amazing.  The two little ones were able to get on a better schedule.  We were able to have the option to be around other people at any given time. Socializing, as it turns out, is the key to my emotional well-being.  My husband was not willing to move.  He stood his ground that his place was in the country (read: an hour from the nearest place with any population to speak of).  It was quickly decided that I would purchase a small house at the edge of the city and he would continue to live our house. He would visit us.

Comments that have been less than helpful in the past

"You just need to try harder.  Just do whatever it takes to make him happy."

"It's your fault. You aren't submissive enough.  If you just let him take his place in the lead, it would solve all the problems."

"You should not divorce. I wish I'd never divorced my husband that I later remarried."

"You are just not nice to him at all. If you would be nicer and be sure to discuss everything in private then you wouldn't have any problems" Please note, that if nothing was discussed right then and there, it just wasn't discussed. Nothing was discussed in private at all which was one of the many problems.

"Your place is in the home. If you just quit your job so you only had to listen to your husband, it would all be better."  Note: I'm very thankful that I have a job which allowed me options when I truly needed them.

"You expect too much of him."

"He's just being a man"

And from family: "No, you will not run away from you marriage by visiting my house without your husband."  Sometimes a break was needed.  Thanks for trusting my judgement and instincts.

Comments that are less than helpful now

"Why are your older kids spending time with him?"  Uhhh because he's their dad and they still have activities closer to the old house.

"You can't expect what other women expect.  You LEFT him."   Physically, I moved out of our house. We are still living as a married couple in other ways.  I'm sorry that makes you uncomfortable but we as a couple are writing the rules and we aren't taking your input.

"Oh so you are just co-parenting!"  Umm no.  I can co-parent without a ring on my finger.  If I'm staying married then I need us to be more than just co-parents.

For the record...
There is no other man or other woman as far as I know.

God still loves me and sees the hard work I've put into our marriage.

I don't really care what you think of our situation.

Living separately together is becoming more common.  It's not the first solution I'd recommend but it's the right solution for us for now.

We are still a family.  If you hold a family event, please be prepared that we may both or all show up.  It's also possible that only the one you are closest to will show up.  If you specifically exclude one spouse at a family function, we may take offense.

I don't know if we will live like this forever.  We might decide to move back together or we might decide to divorce.  The beauty of this is that it's our decision to make and we aren't accepting input.

What do I need now?
I need emotional support.

I need to be around positive people.

I need to feel needed and wanted.

I need the opportunity to figure out who I really am.