The Double Standard

I've tried to get this situation out of my head but there it sits and it's all to common in this  AS/NT relationship.

When we came home from the house K is supposed to be living in, we drove straight to church.  Cupcake had to be there to volunteer.  Short cake really wanted to go and I wanted her to go but I looked terrible.  I go out without make up all the time and none of my clothes are in style so if I didn't want to get out of the car because  I was embarrassed about how I looked, it was bad.  I had on faded black jeans, and old t-shirt with the screen print falling off, old glasses from the nineties and I was in very bad need of a hair cut and of course no make up. If I'd just had a few of those things going on, I would have taken her in.

K and I had a huge argument I in the car sitting outside of the church.  He told me it was ridiculous to care about how I looked and how dumb caring about what other people thought was.  He finally took us.  When he realized that Shortcake and I fully expected him to take her back to church he said "What? I can't take her to church. I'm wearing a raggedy shirt and jeans with holes in them."   See the double standard? 

So many things are okay for him and yet not okay for me.  In the end, I changed shirts and put on make up and took Shortcake back to church 30 min. late.

"Why are you doing this to yourself and your family?"

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

No one has actually asked that question to me yet but I know how people talk.  I know that you aren't supposed to talk about your personal life in public much less on the Internet where all can read it.  So why am I doing this?

Writing is therapy
Writing is the best therapy for me. I've written things since I was young just to feel better.  I've written them in journal form, in letter form, in story form, in any form you can imagine and it does make me feel better.  So why not just keep it private?  I learned a long time ago that I really feel better when I can write interactively.

Living apart together is fairly new
There may specifically be other people who are choosing to live apart for various reasons including jobs, life style choice, etc who may be looking for others in a similar situation.  We are learning lessons every day about what's working for us and what isn't.  I don't mind sharing those lessons at all.

So others see they aren't the only ones.
All those years ago when I was looking for someone in a similar situation, I never found one until the last few years. The problems were there but no one was talking about them. I want people to see that there may be times when living in the same house isn't going to work but there may be other solutions to try before you completely give up and get a divorce.  Marriage doesn't have to be black and white.

When I published my first post a couple of days ago, I had many women contact me.  Many of these women  had done as we were always told.  They'd kept quiet about the problems until one day they were announcing their divorce. Keeping quiet about your troubles can cause a lot of health problems as I stated in my original post.  It can also cause a lot of stress and anger (which lead to the health problems).  In addition, these women shared similar experiences with churches and friends turning against them when they decided they just couldn't take it any more.

So many times, I've sat in a circle of women while they talked.  I've heard them say "I can't believe that couple is getting a divorce.  They seemed so perfect for each other"  OR I've heard as they judged  a couple "There are no problems worth getting a divorce over.  Whatever the issues are, they are just not working hard enough."   I've always wanted to speak up and say "I understand how they might want a divorce. I can understand that they've worked so hard that they just can't work any harder."

One woman even declared multiple times that if everyone just read the same book and followed every step in it that they would have a marriage made in heaven.  At the time I agreed because if someone had been thoughtful enough to do those things for me, I would have cried a lot of happy tears.  Now, many years later, I realize those things weren't done for me because those were not the things that my husband valued.  I was doing those things instinctively but in my marriage, those things just weren't going to work.  I was missing a lot of important information.

I'm not advocating that you should share your marital problems with everyone who'll read them like I have. I am saying that when someone reaches out to us because they need an ear, we should listen.  I'm saying that we shouldn't judge when we don't know anything about the situation or even if we only know one side.  I'll caution that actually speaking the words "there are two sides to every story"  is probably a really bad idea.   Just keep in mind there there are two sides.  I also saying that I'm writing this blog in support of all those women and maybe even men who feel like they are the only ones struggling to find a solution.

I think the biggest thing we need to remember is that no one can understand the problems in a particular relationship unless they are in it.  And from someone who's "been there", sometimes even then it's' hard to understand.  As women, why do we tear each other down so much rather than building each other up?

And finally, I'm not writing about living separately to encourage anyone else to live separately.  I lived in the same house struggling for a solution for over 12 years.  This is definitely not a solution for small problems.  This is a solution as a last resort before divorce.

Here's My Party

Image courtesy of m_bartosch] / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Someone suggested recently that my husband and I throw a party to announce our relatively new living situation much in the same way a couple would if they were getting married.  This was suggested because I mentioned some of the very rude comments I've gotten.

The back story

We were married in almost 13 years ago and right away it was obvious that we had some abnormal problems in our marriage.  The problems showed up on the first day. They didn't even wait a week, a month, or a year as they do in most marriages.  We didn't know what was causing all these problems.  The problems began to cause a lot of disagreements quickly.  I was online trying desperately to find others in the same situation in hopes of fixing the problems. I didn't find any examples of similar situations.

When I got a job and we had childcare for our daughter, I called a religious counseling organization and asked for an appointment.  We got a few things fixed but since we didn't know the root of the problems, they still existed.

Through the years I tried antidepressants sand even ADHD medication for a time.  The troubles had taken such a toll that my body was actually getting sick and the ADHD medication likely sped that up a little.  Luckily a friend recognized some other symptoms I was having and suggested I find an integrated doctor who was able to help me stop the problems and get back on track.

Before our fourth child was born, I decided that I must just be too angry at my husband and I contacted another religious organization for marriage counseling.  Since we were still missing the root cause of the problems this also did no good.

A week or two before our fourth child was born, I had an epiphany.  I knew exactly what was wrong and so did he.  If you have had children before, you know that a week or two before any child is born is NOT the time to have an epiphany.  Five months or so later, I found a new therapist for us and was able to walk in and tell her the problem.  She would not have believed me if I didn't send her weekly journals of what was going on.

In October of 2013, I made plans to go to the beach to think for three months.  It was very nice to be away from the problems and near other people where I could just be who I am.  Being away from the problems was amazing.  The two little ones were able to get on a better schedule.  We were able to have the option to be around other people at any given time. Socializing, as it turns out, is the key to my emotional well-being.  My husband was not willing to move.  He stood his ground that his place was in the country (read: an hour from the nearest place with any population to speak of).  It was quickly decided that I would purchase a small house at the edge of the city and he would continue to live our house. He would visit us.

Comments that have been less than helpful in the past

"You just need to try harder.  Just do whatever it takes to make him happy."

"It's your fault. You aren't submissive enough.  If you just let him take his place in the lead, it would solve all the problems."

"You should not divorce. I wish I'd never divorced my husband that I later remarried."

"You are just not nice to him at all. If you would be nicer and be sure to discuss everything in private then you wouldn't have any problems" Please note, that if nothing was discussed right then and there, it just wasn't discussed. Nothing was discussed in private at all which was one of the many problems.

"Your place is in the home. If you just quit your job so you only had to listen to your husband, it would all be better."  Note: I'm very thankful that I have a job which allowed me options when I truly needed them.

"You expect too much of him."

"He's just being a man"

And from family: "No, you will not run away from you marriage by visiting my house without your husband."  Sometimes a break was needed.  Thanks for trusting my judgement and instincts.

Comments that are less than helpful now

"Why are your older kids spending time with him?"  Uhhh because he's their dad and they still have activities closer to the old house.

"You can't expect what other women expect.  You LEFT him."   Physically, I moved out of our house. We are still living as a married couple in other ways.  I'm sorry that makes you uncomfortable but we as a couple are writing the rules and we aren't taking your input.

"Oh so you are just co-parenting!"  Umm no.  I can co-parent without a ring on my finger.  If I'm staying married then I need us to be more than just co-parents.

For the record...
There is no other man or other woman as far as I know.

God still loves me and sees the hard work I've put into our marriage.

I don't really care what you think of our situation.

Living separately together is becoming more common.  It's not the first solution I'd recommend but it's the right solution for us for now.

We are still a family.  If you hold a family event, please be prepared that we may both or all show up.  It's also possible that only the one you are closest to will show up.  If you specifically exclude one spouse at a family function, we may take offense.

I don't know if we will live like this forever.  We might decide to move back together or we might decide to divorce.  The beauty of this is that it's our decision to make and we aren't accepting input.

What do I need now?
I need emotional support.

I need to be around positive people.

I need to feel needed and wanted.

I need the opportunity to figure out who I really am.