Aspergers As A Boyfriend

I've decided to share our full story.  The truth about an Aspergers/Neurotypical relationship is really hard for people on the outside to understand.  When K and I were first married, I scoured the Internet looking for people with similar issues, not knowing about Aspergers Syndrome at the time.  No one talked about it. This stuff is supposed to be private but keeping it in really did more damage to myself.  Not that anyone would have believed me anyway.  Finally around 2008, I started to find people who were writing about the same problems on message boards.  All of their husbands had Asperger Syndrome.   Well, that sure wasn't our problem. I surely would realize if I'd married someone autistic, right?  It would be so obvious. He'd be mute if that was the case.  I've come so far in my understanding since then.

I'll start from the very beginning. I was approached by someone in my dorm early in the fall of my freshman year of college.   Over dinner one evening, she started to tell me she'd met a guy just like me.  He could even eat almost as much as me.  Entering college at 110 lbs, I could out eat all of the guys who lived on my dorm floor due to running about 50 miles a week.  She was interrupted by another girl asking how things were going with my daily breakfast date and the subject was immediately dropped.

Five months later, things had not worked out with "Breakfast Boy" and K came up again.  This time it resulted in a surprise meeting in this girls dorm room.  I still remember thinking as I was unpacking my things from my trip home that the jeans and t-shirt I was wearing were not my first choice of clothing.  I'm not even sure if my hair had been brushed that day.   Still, when the same girl appeared in my doorway asking if I'd like to meet K, I said "Sure, why not?"

It was a really short meeting meant apparently for him to make sure I was acceptable not some scary "feminazi."  I'd like to think he changed his mind about "feminazis" after meeting me; though I'm pretty sure he just didn't notice my personality at all.   I remember thinking that his hair which was thick and curly was kind of cute. She'd told him "She's just like you.  She's even almost as messy as you."

What were we thinking?  We now have messy houses and huge grocery bills!

He later called and asked if I'd like to go to dinner and a movie.  The night we were supposed to go out, the water went out in our twin dorms.  No showers, no problem. I just showered at the gym and finished getting ready in my room.  Then the phone rang and it occurred to me for the first time that the water being out might be enough for him to cancel. Nope.  I guess he wanted to make sure his I didn't show up stinky because  he offered to let me shower at his girl friend's apartment. 

Overall, he should have gotten an 'A' for effort. I almost didn't recognize him when he met me in the lobby because he'd cut off his beautiful curls for the occasion.  He cooked dinner, sang to me during dinner while he played his guitar, and then we went to watch The Titanic.  However, I didn't feel any real attachment to him and I wasn't looking for a boyfriend so when he asked what I wanted, I  said "I'm not looking for a relationship." 

He said he understood. But when we returned from Spring Break a little over a week later, he began calling and asking me to do something every evening.   I felt guilty going because I knew I didn't have any feelings for him but I felt like I should give it a try since we were supposed to be so perfect for each other.  We did all sorts of fun things.  Looking back, he had really planned it all out carefully to win me over.  I still thought of him very much as a friend. I finally caved after a month and we were a couple.

The first six months were full of breakups. All me breaking up with him.  All because I didn't feel a connection with him.  The last one was at six months.  It lasted two weeks. I was right to break up with him and would have been more right to stay broken up with him but everyone we knew took a side.  His side.  I was harassed by everything from "But he's so nice. You'll never find another one like him." to "Well, if you break up with him, we're still hanging out with him because we like him."  He called and e-mailed constantly which I ignored. My roommate told him not worry that I'd be back. The final straw was when my best friend confronted me.  I figured he'd get tired of me eventually. 

K was everything people say would make a good boyfriend.  He was loyal and happy to hang out with my friends.  He seemed to really care and my friends especially liked that he wasn't all over me the way the last guy had been.  He later confessed that he learned how to behave by reading a lot of Cosmo.

There were warning signs then:

• K was extremely quiet.  We really didn't talk much.
• He was rather awkward. His different walk was noticeable right away.
• He does/did?  have a high voice.  It was noticeable to me then. Not so much 17 years later.
• It was really hard to connect with him.  It took at least a year and a half before I felt a connection at all.  I was ready to give up. My friends weren't.