Image courtesy of m_bartosch] / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Someone suggested recently that my husband and I throw a party to announce our relatively new living situation much in the same way a couple would if they were getting married. This was suggested because I mentioned some of the very rude comments I've gotten.
The back story
We were married in almost 13 years ago and right away it was obvious that we had some abnormal problems in our marriage. The problems showed up on the first day. They didn't even wait a week, a month, or a year as they do in most marriages. We didn't know what was causing all these problems. The problems began to cause a lot of disagreements quickly. I was online trying desperately to find others in the same situation in hopes of fixing the problems. I didn't find any examples of similar situations.
When I got a job and we had childcare for our daughter, I called a religious counseling organization and asked for an appointment. We got a few things fixed but since we didn't know the root of the problems, they still existed.
Through the years I tried antidepressants sand even ADHD medication for a time. The troubles had taken such a toll that my body was actually getting sick and the ADHD medication likely sped that up a little. Luckily a friend recognized some other symptoms I was having and suggested I find an integrated doctor who was able to help me stop the problems and get back on track.
Before our fourth child was born, I decided that I must just be too angry at my husband and I contacted another religious organization for marriage counseling. Since we were still missing the root cause of the problems this also did no good.
A week or two before our fourth child was born, I had an epiphany. I knew exactly what was wrong and so did he. If you have had children before, you know that a week or two before any child is born is NOT the time to have an epiphany. Five months or so later, I found a new therapist for us and was able to walk in and tell her the problem. She would not have believed me if I didn't send her weekly journals of what was going on.
In October of 2013, I made plans to go to the beach to think for three months. It was very nice to be away from the problems and near other people where I could just be who I am. Being away from the problems was amazing. The two little ones were able to get on a better schedule. We were able to have the option to be around other people at any given time.
Socializing, as it turns out, is the key to my emotional well-being. My husband was not willing to move. He stood his ground that his place was in the country (read: an hour from the nearest place with any population to speak of). It was quickly decided that I would purchase a small house at the edge of the city and he would continue to live our house. He would visit us.
Comments that have been less than helpful in the past
"You just need to try harder. Just do whatever it takes to make him happy."
"It's your fault. You aren't submissive enough. If you just let him take his place in the lead, it would solve all the problems."
"You should not divorce. I wish I'd never divorced my husband that I later remarried."
"You are just not nice to him at all. If you would be nicer and be sure to discuss everything in private then you wouldn't have any problems" Please note, that if nothing was discussed right then and there, it just wasn't discussed. Nothing was discussed in private at all which was one of the many problems.
"Your place is in the home. If you just quit your job so you only had to listen to your husband, it would all be better." Note: I'm very thankful that I have a job which allowed me options when I truly needed them.
"You expect too much of him."
"He's just being a man"
And from family: "No, you will not run away from you marriage by visiting my house without your husband." Sometimes a break was needed. Thanks for trusting my judgement and instincts.
Comments that are less than helpful now
"Why are your older kids spending time with him?" Uhhh because he's their dad and they still have activities closer to the old house.
"You can't expect what other women expect. You LEFT him." Physically, I moved out of our house. We are still living as a married couple in other ways. I'm sorry that makes you uncomfortable but we as a couple are writing the rules and we aren't taking your input.
"Oh so you are just co-parenting!" Umm no. I can co-parent without a ring on my finger. If I'm staying married then I need us to be more than just co-parents.
For the record...
There is no other man or other woman as far as I know.
God still loves me and sees the hard work I've put into our marriage.
I don't really care what you think of our situation.
Living separately together is becoming more common. It's not the first solution I'd recommend but it's the right solution for us for now.
We are still a family. If you hold a family event, please be prepared that we may both or all show up. It's also possible that only the one you are closest to will show up. If you specifically exclude one spouse at a family function, we may take offense.
I don't know if we will live like this forever. We might decide to move back together or we might decide to divorce. The beauty of this is that it's our decision to make and we aren't accepting input.
What do I need now?
I need emotional support.
I need to be around positive people.
I need to feel needed and wanted.
I need the opportunity to figure out who I really am.
