A couple of weeks ago, I was trying to back out of my driveway. K was visiting as he seems to spend most of his time at my house these days. K had not pulled his car up to the point where I'd repeatedly asked him to. I was in a rush. I tried to back out of the driveway 20 times and each time I felt my car falling into the ditch, I pulled back up. As I was pulling out, I saw the neighbor across the street in her yard.
When I returned, I remembered something I wanted to tell the neighbor about being gone and expecting some packages. She mentioned how much watching me back out that morning had scared her. I explained that I'd talked with K about pulling his car up before and he just wouldn't listen. Her response was classic "That's all men."
Yes, individual incidents like that where a man puts his wife in danger of running her car into the ditch might be just being a man but when you are married to a man with Aspergers, it's so much more. These incidents are constant. There is no redeeming moment. There's no apology.
Being married to a man with Aspergers is like having all the bad traits of men amplified with few moments of redemption. There's his need for power and control but no tender moments in the evenings when the kids have gone to bed. There's getting mad and breaking things but no he makes no apologies about it and sometimes never fixes or replaces what he breaks.
He gets a long with everyone but his own wife. He will say whatever it takes to please them but he will never stand up for his wife. People once told my husband they thought I was an awful person. When asked what he said to that, said "I didn't say anything. I don't know what you might have said when I'm not with you."
No, it's not just being married to a man. It all adds up and it adds up to an emotionally drained and lonely wife.
A blog about living apart together (LAT), an Asperger's/Neurotypical marriage, frugality, healthy living,self discovery, and kids.
Sunday, December 21, 2014
Tuesday, December 2, 2014
The Double Standard
I've tried to get this situation out of my head but there it sits and it's all to common in this AS/NT relationship.
When we came home from the house K is supposed to be living in, we drove straight to church. Cupcake had to be there to volunteer. Short cake really wanted to go and I wanted her to go but I looked terrible. I go out without make up all the time and none of my clothes are in style so if I didn't want to get out of the car because I was embarrassed about how I looked, it was bad. I had on faded black jeans, and old t-shirt with the screen print falling off, old glasses from the nineties and I was in very bad need of a hair cut and of course no make up. If I'd just had a few of those things going on, I would have taken her in.
K and I had a huge argument I in the car sitting outside of the church. He told me it was ridiculous to care about how I looked and how dumb caring about what other people thought was. He finally took us. When he realized that Shortcake and I fully expected him to take her back to church he said "What? I can't take her to church. I'm wearing a raggedy shirt and jeans with holes in them." See the double standard?
So many things are okay for him and yet not okay for me. In the end, I changed shirts and put on make up and took Shortcake back to church 30 min. late.
When we came home from the house K is supposed to be living in, we drove straight to church. Cupcake had to be there to volunteer. Short cake really wanted to go and I wanted her to go but I looked terrible. I go out without make up all the time and none of my clothes are in style so if I didn't want to get out of the car because I was embarrassed about how I looked, it was bad. I had on faded black jeans, and old t-shirt with the screen print falling off, old glasses from the nineties and I was in very bad need of a hair cut and of course no make up. If I'd just had a few of those things going on, I would have taken her in.
K and I had a huge argument I in the car sitting outside of the church. He told me it was ridiculous to care about how I looked and how dumb caring about what other people thought was. He finally took us. When he realized that Shortcake and I fully expected him to take her back to church he said "What? I can't take her to church. I'm wearing a raggedy shirt and jeans with holes in them." See the double standard?
So many things are okay for him and yet not okay for me. In the end, I changed shirts and put on make up and took Shortcake back to church 30 min. late.
Thursday, November 27, 2014
Happy Thanksgiving
Last night, we all piled in the car and headed up to his house. It's so hard for K and I to communicate sometimes and it shows in simple things like packing the car. It takes forever as both of us are careful to make sure we aren't the only one doing all the work. It was 11 o'clock by the time we left my house for his. The kids make so much noise every time we go some where and we didn't want to attract the attention of the neighborhood that late. So we told them to pretend they were the Von Trapp family escaping in the The Sound of Music. That actually worked. I wonder if they'd do that during the day. After we turned around 3 times to get things K needed, we were on our way.
We arrived at K's house after midnight. He needed to check on his dog and her puppies. They were all fine but did need some tending too. Meanwhile I got the youngest kids settled into our old house. We were all sleeping by 1:30am.
At 6am I hear the dog barking and some other odd sounds. K goes to check on the dog and doesn't come back for a very long time during which the gun shots of hunting season start. Needless to say, there was no sleep to be had. Before we knew it, the kids were awake to watch the parades and dog show.
K is our family chef. Mostly, because he is hypercritical of anyone else that steps in the kitchen so I just let him do it. I was disappointed when he said he was going to fix instant mashed potatoes because I really don't like them. I do love garlic mashed potatoes with nothing added (except garlic ofcourse!) and the lumps still there. However, in K's mind, I've said i don't like instant mashed potatoes so I just don't like mashed potatoes at all. In the end, he forgot the potatoes altogether but we had lots of other wonderful foods including a turkey.
After the big meal, we picked some luffas K planted and then we peeled as many as we could.
Later I got on the computer to shop for boots for Cupcake. It was really stressful. I asked for his card to charge the boots. He dragged his feet. I asked about what size he thought I should order her. His opinion wasn't forthcoming. And because I did not make the decisions on my own, I lost the boots and had to buy a more expensive pair. My need for support, resulted in a melt down and damages on K's part. He doesn't see how anyone could need emotional support while shopping.
What do you think? Is it possible that I'm actually too needy after all these years of getting very little emotional support?
Friday, November 21, 2014
How I really Feel
I'm going to interrupt our story for a couple of days because I feel the need to share some other things at the moment.
Today, I met someone for coffee that I really don't know that well. I mentioned that K was at home with the kids and then later mentioned that his house is actually close to her house. It seems so normal to me most of the time that I forget that the rest of the world thinks our living arrangements are weird.
She said " How do you live apart like that? My husband lived away and only visited on weekends for two months and that was hard!"
I felt liked I'd been punched, Our whole marriage when I'd confide in people, I'd hear a lot of things.
I tried to take all of the advice in. I stuffed my feelings inside but all around me, I hear and see the truth. I see the way that couples look at each other. I hear conversations amongst friends about their marriages. I can hear the love in their voices as spouses talk about each other. It's really amazing that even when friends' complain about their husbands, the love they have for each other shines through anyway. It really can't be hidden and I wouldn't want them to. I have children and I want them to see these things. I want them to see the way things should be and not what a situation prevents me from having with their father.
Lots of people LAT for different reasons. In my case, I'd be lying if I said I didn't want what those other couples have. I'm not sharing anything I haven't told K a million times.
Today, I met someone for coffee that I really don't know that well. I mentioned that K was at home with the kids and then later mentioned that his house is actually close to her house. It seems so normal to me most of the time that I forget that the rest of the world thinks our living arrangements are weird.
She said " How do you live apart like that? My husband lived away and only visited on weekends for two months and that was hard!"
I felt liked I'd been punched, Our whole marriage when I'd confide in people, I'd hear a lot of things.
- "That's normal for YOU and that's what matters."
- "He's just being a man."
- "He just wants you to take care of him. That's your job."
- "Things aren't really like that when you are married. You are expecting too much (a fairytale)."
- "At least he's really nice."
I tried to take all of the advice in. I stuffed my feelings inside but all around me, I hear and see the truth. I see the way that couples look at each other. I hear conversations amongst friends about their marriages. I can hear the love in their voices as spouses talk about each other. It's really amazing that even when friends' complain about their husbands, the love they have for each other shines through anyway. It really can't be hidden and I wouldn't want them to. I have children and I want them to see these things. I want them to see the way things should be and not what a situation prevents me from having with their father.
Lots of people LAT for different reasons. In my case, I'd be lying if I said I didn't want what those other couples have. I'm not sharing anything I haven't told K a million times.
Thursday, November 20, 2014
Aspergers/NT Expecting
I had always loved kids and babies. Before we were married, I had wanted 8 and he wanted 2. We unrealistically compromised at 6. We decided to wait 5 years after marriage before we had kids. That was the original plan anyway.
It wasn't long before we had an infant and toddler move in next door with their parents. I would be talking to K in the apartment and suddenly he'd stop responding. I'd go out in the living room where he'd been watching TV. He was always gone. He hadn't even let me know he'd left! Ninety percent of the time I'd walk out side and I could already see him sitting in our neighbors' living room playing with those boys. He loved seeing them. I began to see this as my opportunity to bring him back.
Note: In high school, when they told you that having babies to save a relationship was wrong, they weren't just talking about before you are married. It's also not a good idea to have a baby to save a marriage. That did not occur to me at the time though and I love ALL of our children very much regardless.
One day, as he was talking about the kids next door I said "We could have some those, you know."
He looked stunned as if the idea had never occurred to him. He didn't say anything else until we were driving to visit family over Thanksgiving. We were in the car alone
K: I need you to do me a favor. I've been praying that we'd get pregnant for two months and you just keep getting your period. I was thinking if you pray too, then it would help. You know that whole two or more thing...
Me: Oh, should I go off the pill? Or maybe we should start having sex??!
K: Oh no. Neither of those. If God wants it to happen, it will happen.
Me: I'm pretty sure we are going to have to meet him half way on this one.
K: Well, let's just wait and see.
By January, he had conceded that we could go off the pill and have sex but only for two months to get pregnant. I got pregnant on the first cycle.
I'd just gotten a temporary job with full time hours. I was back in school to see if I could find an actual job, I'd volunteered to help out with the local track team and then I was pregnant. I was starting to feel really stressed. Track had not yet started when we saw the coach at the bank. He asked if I was still planning to help out and just as I was about to say that I was reconsidering, K spoke up and said "Of course she is! She can't wait!" So that was that.
I held up really well until we had a week off at Easter. I started to have panic attacks but I was young and didn't know what those were. I'd never had them before. We were supposed to be visiting his parents. I didn't last long there and made him drive me 4 1/2 hours home. He left me there and went back to visit his parents. Thank goodness, my mom came to stay with me so didn't have to suffer through the scary attacks by myself. Oddly, none occurred while she was there. They were in full force once he returned though.
I was so scared of having these panic attacks that I didn't sleep at night. Things were finally going better with K. He was starting to be some what loving again in his own way, so I'd lie down with him until he went to sleep and then I'd get up again. I was averaging about 2-4 hours of sleep per night. I was still having the panic attacks. Almost all at night but it eventually turned into constant anxiety.
One day K cames to me and said "I'm concerned about you. I read somewhere that people can die without enough sleep." Thanks! That makes me feel a lot better.
On the fourth of July, I was about 6 months pregnant and felt HUGE. I really wanted to go see fireworks. K refused saying that it was too hot to go sit in a crowd. I was very disappointed and we spent our evening the usual way. K watched TV shows that he knew I didn't like and I spent the evening on the computer trying to get social interaction from Internet forums since it seemed to be the best I could do in that small town. When the 11 o'clock news came on, K got really excited and told me I need to come see what was on TV as he was just sure I was going to like it.
It turns out there were fire works on the 11 o'clock news. I was not impressed. K could not understand how it wasn't the same thing. He figured it would be just as good.
Ten days later was our first anniversary. His mom called. He hung up the phone and said "Mom says I should take you out to dinner for our anniversary." I was thinking. After a year of being married to you, I deserve a lot more than dinner out!
Later that summer, we were sitting at the kitchen table. I was chopping vegetables for dinner. He was going on and on about how much he wanted a boy.
Me: What's wrong with having a girl?
K: I don't think you'd make such a good mom for a girl.
Me. Why not?
K: Well if we have a girl whose going to teach her how to dress nice or put on make up.
Me: I wore make up at our wedding.
K: Yes, you looked beautiful. I meant to ask you who did that for you.
Me: It was ME. I did my own make up.
When I signed us up for childbirth classes, I asked him if the days I scheduled would be okay.
K:"Why does my schedule matter? I don't need to go."
Me: Yes you do. You are the dad. You are going to be there.
K: My dad wasn't there when I was born. Why should I be there when this one is born?
Me: You're going.
He spent most of the class sessions talking about getting donuts from Krispy Kreme. He never got them because I'd spent any extra money on the classes and the gas to get there.
I had been about 4 months pregnant when K came home to find his very modest, flannel pajama loving wife sitting around naked. He was shocked. I explained that my clothes were uncomfortable so I just took them off. This came up later in childbirth class when the instructor was talking about the stages of labor. She explained that if a woman was losing her modesty and taking off clothes it was time to go to the hospital. K was very, very concerned about this and raised his hand. "How will I know when to go to the hospital if she lost her modesty at four months pregnant?"
I went into labor after having a dinner guest one night. My water broke and K was so excited. When it was time to go to the hospital, I decided to wear a dress in an attempt to avoid wet pants as I wasn't really prepared for my water to break. When I came out with my things, he said "Why are you wearing a dress? You are going to the hospital, not to church!"
He called his parents who said they would leave when his dad got off work at 2am. This wasn't how I imagined it going. No one asked if it was okay if they came so soon. Luckily, Cupcake was born about an hour before they walked in the hospital room unannounced leaving us with no bonding time as a family. They insisted that K make the hour drive back to our apartment with them because they had brought the crib mattress we needed with this. That's what you get stuck getting when you wait until the last minute to ask what we need.
I had not wanted to go to the hospital at all. The place scared me and I didn't want to be left alone. I tried to protest. I hadn't even been able to get cleaned up yet. He insisted that he go let his parents into our apartment. It took him 6 hours to return. He decided to take a nap while he was there. I had to leave the baby in the nursery which I was very against so I could get a shower.
That night, K did get up with Cupcake so I could sleep some. He's been in love with all of his kids at first sight. He doesn't always understand them, but he loves them very much.
It wasn't long before we had an infant and toddler move in next door with their parents. I would be talking to K in the apartment and suddenly he'd stop responding. I'd go out in the living room where he'd been watching TV. He was always gone. He hadn't even let me know he'd left! Ninety percent of the time I'd walk out side and I could already see him sitting in our neighbors' living room playing with those boys. He loved seeing them. I began to see this as my opportunity to bring him back.
Note: In high school, when they told you that having babies to save a relationship was wrong, they weren't just talking about before you are married. It's also not a good idea to have a baby to save a marriage. That did not occur to me at the time though and I love ALL of our children very much regardless.
One day, as he was talking about the kids next door I said "We could have some those, you know."
He looked stunned as if the idea had never occurred to him. He didn't say anything else until we were driving to visit family over Thanksgiving. We were in the car alone
K: I need you to do me a favor. I've been praying that we'd get pregnant for two months and you just keep getting your period. I was thinking if you pray too, then it would help. You know that whole two or more thing...
Me: Oh, should I go off the pill? Or maybe we should start having sex??!
K: Oh no. Neither of those. If God wants it to happen, it will happen.
Me: I'm pretty sure we are going to have to meet him half way on this one.
K: Well, let's just wait and see.
By January, he had conceded that we could go off the pill and have sex but only for two months to get pregnant. I got pregnant on the first cycle.
I'd just gotten a temporary job with full time hours. I was back in school to see if I could find an actual job, I'd volunteered to help out with the local track team and then I was pregnant. I was starting to feel really stressed. Track had not yet started when we saw the coach at the bank. He asked if I was still planning to help out and just as I was about to say that I was reconsidering, K spoke up and said "Of course she is! She can't wait!" So that was that.
I held up really well until we had a week off at Easter. I started to have panic attacks but I was young and didn't know what those were. I'd never had them before. We were supposed to be visiting his parents. I didn't last long there and made him drive me 4 1/2 hours home. He left me there and went back to visit his parents. Thank goodness, my mom came to stay with me so didn't have to suffer through the scary attacks by myself. Oddly, none occurred while she was there. They were in full force once he returned though.
I was so scared of having these panic attacks that I didn't sleep at night. Things were finally going better with K. He was starting to be some what loving again in his own way, so I'd lie down with him until he went to sleep and then I'd get up again. I was averaging about 2-4 hours of sleep per night. I was still having the panic attacks. Almost all at night but it eventually turned into constant anxiety.
One day K cames to me and said "I'm concerned about you. I read somewhere that people can die without enough sleep." Thanks! That makes me feel a lot better.
On the fourth of July, I was about 6 months pregnant and felt HUGE. I really wanted to go see fireworks. K refused saying that it was too hot to go sit in a crowd. I was very disappointed and we spent our evening the usual way. K watched TV shows that he knew I didn't like and I spent the evening on the computer trying to get social interaction from Internet forums since it seemed to be the best I could do in that small town. When the 11 o'clock news came on, K got really excited and told me I need to come see what was on TV as he was just sure I was going to like it.
It turns out there were fire works on the 11 o'clock news. I was not impressed. K could not understand how it wasn't the same thing. He figured it would be just as good.
Ten days later was our first anniversary. His mom called. He hung up the phone and said "Mom says I should take you out to dinner for our anniversary." I was thinking. After a year of being married to you, I deserve a lot more than dinner out!
Later that summer, we were sitting at the kitchen table. I was chopping vegetables for dinner. He was going on and on about how much he wanted a boy.
Me: What's wrong with having a girl?
K: I don't think you'd make such a good mom for a girl.
Me. Why not?
K: Well if we have a girl whose going to teach her how to dress nice or put on make up.
Me: I wore make up at our wedding.
K: Yes, you looked beautiful. I meant to ask you who did that for you.
Me: It was ME. I did my own make up.
When I signed us up for childbirth classes, I asked him if the days I scheduled would be okay.
K:"Why does my schedule matter? I don't need to go."
Me: Yes you do. You are the dad. You are going to be there.
K: My dad wasn't there when I was born. Why should I be there when this one is born?
Me: You're going.
He spent most of the class sessions talking about getting donuts from Krispy Kreme. He never got them because I'd spent any extra money on the classes and the gas to get there.
I had been about 4 months pregnant when K came home to find his very modest, flannel pajama loving wife sitting around naked. He was shocked. I explained that my clothes were uncomfortable so I just took them off. This came up later in childbirth class when the instructor was talking about the stages of labor. She explained that if a woman was losing her modesty and taking off clothes it was time to go to the hospital. K was very, very concerned about this and raised his hand. "How will I know when to go to the hospital if she lost her modesty at four months pregnant?"
I went into labor after having a dinner guest one night. My water broke and K was so excited. When it was time to go to the hospital, I decided to wear a dress in an attempt to avoid wet pants as I wasn't really prepared for my water to break. When I came out with my things, he said "Why are you wearing a dress? You are going to the hospital, not to church!"
He called his parents who said they would leave when his dad got off work at 2am. This wasn't how I imagined it going. No one asked if it was okay if they came so soon. Luckily, Cupcake was born about an hour before they walked in the hospital room unannounced leaving us with no bonding time as a family. They insisted that K make the hour drive back to our apartment with them because they had brought the crib mattress we needed with this. That's what you get stuck getting when you wait until the last minute to ask what we need.
I had not wanted to go to the hospital at all. The place scared me and I didn't want to be left alone. I tried to protest. I hadn't even been able to get cleaned up yet. He insisted that he go let his parents into our apartment. It took him 6 hours to return. He decided to take a nap while he was there. I had to leave the baby in the nursery which I was very against so I could get a shower.
That night, K did get up with Cupcake so I could sleep some. He's been in love with all of his kids at first sight. He doesn't always understand them, but he loves them very much.
Wednesday, November 19, 2014
An Asperger's Newlywed
I struggled with whether or not to write this. Society would say I should leave out the parts regarding sex. However, when you talk about Asperger's and marriage, sex is a big area where the marriage differs. According to Eva Mendes, MA, a psychotherapist and couples counselor, "Adults with AS tend to either want a lot of sexual activity or too little." If reading about this topic in relation to my marriage offends you, please skip this post.
Everything seemed great the month before the wedding. K bounced back quicker than expected from the death of his grandfather and we were looking forward to our wedding. I was handling last minute details and taking summer classes to finish up my degree. K finally got a job in his field weeks before the wedding and they wanted him to be there just 10 days later. We quickly found an apartment in the small town where he had a couple of distant relatives.
We were married in a church wedding as small as I could make it in his hometown. We did the traditional pictures after the wedding and the photographer kept telling him "Look at me. Not her."
I'm not sure I'd ever seen him look at me that way and I haven't since. It all stopped when the photographer asked about taking pictures with grandparents and things were never the same. After the reception, we left with people blowing bubbles at us and went to visit his Papaw who was unable to attend the wedding. We went back to the church to change for the picnic following.
K's parents were loading the candelabra that his mother insisted we get (and that I pay for) into a truck to return. It was their sole job for our wedding other than the rehearsal dinner the night before. Kendall insisted on helping them load it which was taking forever. Even though I'd wanted to elope and have a honeymoon, I'd planned the wedding with very little help over the past 6 months. I felt no guilt about leaving them all to clean up the church. K on the other hand didn't want to leave his family (whom he'd see as soon as they were done returning the candelabra). So I rode with a friend to the picnic without him. Around 8pm, I told him it was time to go. He stalled by talking to everyone he could in the parking lot. He stalled by stopping to talk to every relative sitting on their front porch on the way to the hotel. We were getting really funny looks. It took us three hours to make an hour trip. By the time we got to the hotel at 11pm, I was exhausted. He made it clear that we were only consummating the marriage "because we have to."
The next weekend we moved our stuff to our new town and then 3 days later, he was gone. I sent him with a car of neatly packed and labeled boxes that we'd kept at our apartment a little longer. We talked frequently over the next week and a half. He was in a panic over getting the utilities set up and told me he was completely out of money and that I needed to put some in his bank account so he could live. I pretty much emptied my account into his even after the bank told me he still had $1000 in it. I trusted my new husband knew what he was talking about.
As I was driving to our new home 10 days later, I imagined neatly packed boxes or everything already put away. What I actually found was K standing in the office with at least half the boxes empty; the contents mixed together into one big pile on the floor. He was frantically trying to put things away. He looked at me as I walked in and said "Let's go eat." He didn't have a lot to say.
He continued to not have anything to say for at least the next 6 months. He refused to come anywhere near me. He stayed up until 2am and was gone by 7am. I was asleep when he came to bed and still sleeping in the morning since I'd stayed up until I couldn't hold my eyes open waiting for him. On the occasion that he came to bed while I was awake, he hugged his side of the bed telling me to get away from him. He'd tell me he'd be home from work at one time and arrive home 2 1/2 hours later even though he only worked fifteen minutes from home and there was no traffic to hold him up. I had to trap him in the car just to talk. I'd ask about his day when he came home and he'd tell me it was fine. Then he'd call his dad and give him all kinds of details he refused to give me.
I didn't understand what was wrong. I was in a new town where I couldn't find a job because they just don't have jobs in my field in small towns and the other jobs seemed to be given to people they knew. Even basic fast food jobs. This small town was an hour from any city of any size. The only place I could really go was church. The one human being who should have been my rock was completely absent from my life. He was a roommate and nothing more.
I finally directly approached him about lack of action in the bedroom. Like most young couples these days, we had not waited for marriage so it wasn't that he had a reason to be afraid. He had a million excuses which all seemed as if he was just putting me off. I now realize he may have actually believed some of those excuses since some of it revolved around stereotypes and he acted as if he was doing me a favor to relieve me of the stress of sex. The absence of it was quickly taking down my self esteem and causing me to doubt the security of my marriage. When discussing it didn't work, I wrote my feelings down and had him read it he said "This is the same sh$% you are always talking about."
My heart hurt more than anyone could ever imagine. There was my husband. I wasn't allowed to touch him at all and I was barely allowed to speak to him. All around me people chatted about intimate moments with their husbands. I know they didn't think it was a big deal. After all, I was a newlywed, surely I was having those experiences. Instead, it really hurt to listen to it and I cried myself to sleep every night. K didn't seem to notice it. Or at least he didn't care if he did.
We did the grocery shopping together shopping only from the circulars as it was all we could afford. The first time I threw pads I needed in the cart, he said "Can't that wait until next month?" I wish! Still, after he protested again I put them back. The same thing happened the next month and after that I used money I received for Christmas to purchase cloth ones so I wouldn't have to be without.
If I had felt like I had any support at all or even a job, I would have ended the marriage. I hated where we lived. I hated that I couldn't get a hair cut or even the feminine products I needed. I wanted something to put my hair up with. I wanted to go camping and travel with my husband. Instead, we went to his parents house every month and it was like going from one prison to another.
I wanted my K back but it seemed he was never coming back.
Everything seemed great the month before the wedding. K bounced back quicker than expected from the death of his grandfather and we were looking forward to our wedding. I was handling last minute details and taking summer classes to finish up my degree. K finally got a job in his field weeks before the wedding and they wanted him to be there just 10 days later. We quickly found an apartment in the small town where he had a couple of distant relatives.
We were married in a church wedding as small as I could make it in his hometown. We did the traditional pictures after the wedding and the photographer kept telling him "Look at me. Not her."
I'm not sure I'd ever seen him look at me that way and I haven't since. It all stopped when the photographer asked about taking pictures with grandparents and things were never the same. After the reception, we left with people blowing bubbles at us and went to visit his Papaw who was unable to attend the wedding. We went back to the church to change for the picnic following.
K's parents were loading the candelabra that his mother insisted we get (and that I pay for) into a truck to return. It was their sole job for our wedding other than the rehearsal dinner the night before. Kendall insisted on helping them load it which was taking forever. Even though I'd wanted to elope and have a honeymoon, I'd planned the wedding with very little help over the past 6 months. I felt no guilt about leaving them all to clean up the church. K on the other hand didn't want to leave his family (whom he'd see as soon as they were done returning the candelabra). So I rode with a friend to the picnic without him. Around 8pm, I told him it was time to go. He stalled by talking to everyone he could in the parking lot. He stalled by stopping to talk to every relative sitting on their front porch on the way to the hotel. We were getting really funny looks. It took us three hours to make an hour trip. By the time we got to the hotel at 11pm, I was exhausted. He made it clear that we were only consummating the marriage "because we have to."
The next weekend we moved our stuff to our new town and then 3 days later, he was gone. I sent him with a car of neatly packed and labeled boxes that we'd kept at our apartment a little longer. We talked frequently over the next week and a half. He was in a panic over getting the utilities set up and told me he was completely out of money and that I needed to put some in his bank account so he could live. I pretty much emptied my account into his even after the bank told me he still had $1000 in it. I trusted my new husband knew what he was talking about.
As I was driving to our new home 10 days later, I imagined neatly packed boxes or everything already put away. What I actually found was K standing in the office with at least half the boxes empty; the contents mixed together into one big pile on the floor. He was frantically trying to put things away. He looked at me as I walked in and said "Let's go eat." He didn't have a lot to say.
He continued to not have anything to say for at least the next 6 months. He refused to come anywhere near me. He stayed up until 2am and was gone by 7am. I was asleep when he came to bed and still sleeping in the morning since I'd stayed up until I couldn't hold my eyes open waiting for him. On the occasion that he came to bed while I was awake, he hugged his side of the bed telling me to get away from him. He'd tell me he'd be home from work at one time and arrive home 2 1/2 hours later even though he only worked fifteen minutes from home and there was no traffic to hold him up. I had to trap him in the car just to talk. I'd ask about his day when he came home and he'd tell me it was fine. Then he'd call his dad and give him all kinds of details he refused to give me.
I didn't understand what was wrong. I was in a new town where I couldn't find a job because they just don't have jobs in my field in small towns and the other jobs seemed to be given to people they knew. Even basic fast food jobs. This small town was an hour from any city of any size. The only place I could really go was church. The one human being who should have been my rock was completely absent from my life. He was a roommate and nothing more.
I finally directly approached him about lack of action in the bedroom. Like most young couples these days, we had not waited for marriage so it wasn't that he had a reason to be afraid. He had a million excuses which all seemed as if he was just putting me off. I now realize he may have actually believed some of those excuses since some of it revolved around stereotypes and he acted as if he was doing me a favor to relieve me of the stress of sex. The absence of it was quickly taking down my self esteem and causing me to doubt the security of my marriage. When discussing it didn't work, I wrote my feelings down and had him read it he said "This is the same sh$% you are always talking about."
My heart hurt more than anyone could ever imagine. There was my husband. I wasn't allowed to touch him at all and I was barely allowed to speak to him. All around me people chatted about intimate moments with their husbands. I know they didn't think it was a big deal. After all, I was a newlywed, surely I was having those experiences. Instead, it really hurt to listen to it and I cried myself to sleep every night. K didn't seem to notice it. Or at least he didn't care if he did.
We did the grocery shopping together shopping only from the circulars as it was all we could afford. The first time I threw pads I needed in the cart, he said "Can't that wait until next month?" I wish! Still, after he protested again I put them back. The same thing happened the next month and after that I used money I received for Christmas to purchase cloth ones so I wouldn't have to be without.
If I had felt like I had any support at all or even a job, I would have ended the marriage. I hated where we lived. I hated that I couldn't get a hair cut or even the feminine products I needed. I wanted something to put my hair up with. I wanted to go camping and travel with my husband. Instead, we went to his parents house every month and it was like going from one prison to another.
I wanted my K back but it seemed he was never coming back.
Tuesday, November 18, 2014
An Apergers Fiance
Not long after we were engaged, we decided that we'd done a really poor job at picking roommates in the past and decided we would be able to live together much easier. We each called our parents and gave them a choice. We could get married before we moved in together or we could wait until I graduated but we would be living together either way. Both sets of parents unanimously agreed they wanted me to graduate before we got married.
I moved into our apartment first, while he went home for the summer to complete an internship. He went ahead and moved his things from his old apartment into our apartment. He set all of his kitchen stuff in the middle of the living floor and went home. I walked around it for two weeks. After he didn't pick it up the second weekend, I put it away and asked him about it.
Me: How come you left your kitchen stuff in our living room?
K: Because I wanted you to set up your kitchen the way you wanted it.
Me: How many times have I cooked for you?
K: Once
Me: And what did you do with it?
K: I threw it across the room.
Me: So what makes you think I'm going to cook for you again?
K: Oh
That was just the beginning. Right away, we had a problem with the shower. It had a nice window in it that opened to air out the bathroom. Gotta love those things. He'd leave it open and shut the shower curtain so I didn't realize it was open. He could not understand why I had a problem with this. I tried to explain that I did not enjoy being undressed and then realizing the window was open when I opened the shower curtain. To him, I should just remember to check first. He refused to change. I HAD to get a third party involved. His mind was not going to change on this one. Finally, he agreed to at least leave the shower curtain open if he was going to open the window so that I could see it was open when I entered the bathroom.
Then he started applying for jobs. One job at a time. He refused to have more than one job application out at a time. He waited until that job was filled before he would send another off. He pretty much refused to apply in a city of any type. My degree was such that I needed a city in order to get a job. When he did not get a job, he got angry like I'd never seen before. He once knocked my recently arranged books off the shelf I'd just organized and another time broke the then expensive laser mouse my mother had gotten me for my birthday. The mouse was never replaced and the books were never picked up...at least not by him.
Everything was explained away by the stress of his internship and trying to find a job.
During the first semester, house work was easy to keep up with. He was gone for most of the day. I could do my homework while I was doing our laundry and tidy up while he was gone.
The second semester did not start well. His beloved grandmother whom he thought of as a mother passed away at the end of Christmas Break. This sent him into an extreme depression. I tried to be there for him. I understood when he woke up crying in the middle of the night for most of the first 6 months. However, he mostly sat in front of the TV watching static because we were too cheap to pay for cable and the house became impossible to clean up since he was always in it and not even doing the basics of cleaning up after himself. I tried to explain that they would be showing our apartment soon and he didn't care. The landlord showed it a mess. I had school work that needed to be finished and I ended up having to drop classes to plan a wedding all by myself and make attempts at house work. This meant I would still be going to school for the first two weeks we were married. During this time I also felt forced to quit training for the triathlons I'd come to love. Taking care of him, planning a wedding, and trying very unsuccessfully to take care of our apartment left me no time.
In May, his grandfather passed away. He had gone on a trip across the state with his job. His parents knew this and still failed to inform him when things were getting serious with his grandfathers health. They left a message on our answering machine about the family being called in and I spent 6 hours trying to track him down. He had ridden down with a co-worker and had no car. He wasn't quite old enough to rent a car but since I'd had to go through multiple sheriffs/police departments to get his whereabouts (his work refused to help and he didn't own a cell phone.) they were able to get him in a rental car. I told him I'd meet him at the hospital. He calls me from a pay phone an hour from where he started and tells me he's stopping to eat. I was furious. He said "What? Do they think he's going to die?" Umm yeah. That's why I spent my entire day tracking you down!
He handled this one much better since this grandfather wasn't a father figure to him. And just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, they finally seemed to get better.
During this time, I began to think about backing out of the wedding and decided it would be a crummy thing to do someone. I assumed that this was just a phase that was caused by a stressful year for him.
I moved into our apartment first, while he went home for the summer to complete an internship. He went ahead and moved his things from his old apartment into our apartment. He set all of his kitchen stuff in the middle of the living floor and went home. I walked around it for two weeks. After he didn't pick it up the second weekend, I put it away and asked him about it.
Me: How come you left your kitchen stuff in our living room?
K: Because I wanted you to set up your kitchen the way you wanted it.
Me: How many times have I cooked for you?
K: Once
Me: And what did you do with it?
K: I threw it across the room.
Me: So what makes you think I'm going to cook for you again?
K: Oh
That was just the beginning. Right away, we had a problem with the shower. It had a nice window in it that opened to air out the bathroom. Gotta love those things. He'd leave it open and shut the shower curtain so I didn't realize it was open. He could not understand why I had a problem with this. I tried to explain that I did not enjoy being undressed and then realizing the window was open when I opened the shower curtain. To him, I should just remember to check first. He refused to change. I HAD to get a third party involved. His mind was not going to change on this one. Finally, he agreed to at least leave the shower curtain open if he was going to open the window so that I could see it was open when I entered the bathroom.
Then he started applying for jobs. One job at a time. He refused to have more than one job application out at a time. He waited until that job was filled before he would send another off. He pretty much refused to apply in a city of any type. My degree was such that I needed a city in order to get a job. When he did not get a job, he got angry like I'd never seen before. He once knocked my recently arranged books off the shelf I'd just organized and another time broke the then expensive laser mouse my mother had gotten me for my birthday. The mouse was never replaced and the books were never picked up...at least not by him.
Everything was explained away by the stress of his internship and trying to find a job.
During the first semester, house work was easy to keep up with. He was gone for most of the day. I could do my homework while I was doing our laundry and tidy up while he was gone.
The second semester did not start well. His beloved grandmother whom he thought of as a mother passed away at the end of Christmas Break. This sent him into an extreme depression. I tried to be there for him. I understood when he woke up crying in the middle of the night for most of the first 6 months. However, he mostly sat in front of the TV watching static because we were too cheap to pay for cable and the house became impossible to clean up since he was always in it and not even doing the basics of cleaning up after himself. I tried to explain that they would be showing our apartment soon and he didn't care. The landlord showed it a mess. I had school work that needed to be finished and I ended up having to drop classes to plan a wedding all by myself and make attempts at house work. This meant I would still be going to school for the first two weeks we were married. During this time I also felt forced to quit training for the triathlons I'd come to love. Taking care of him, planning a wedding, and trying very unsuccessfully to take care of our apartment left me no time.
In May, his grandfather passed away. He had gone on a trip across the state with his job. His parents knew this and still failed to inform him when things were getting serious with his grandfathers health. They left a message on our answering machine about the family being called in and I spent 6 hours trying to track him down. He had ridden down with a co-worker and had no car. He wasn't quite old enough to rent a car but since I'd had to go through multiple sheriffs/police departments to get his whereabouts (his work refused to help and he didn't own a cell phone.) they were able to get him in a rental car. I told him I'd meet him at the hospital. He calls me from a pay phone an hour from where he started and tells me he's stopping to eat. I was furious. He said "What? Do they think he's going to die?" Umm yeah. That's why I spent my entire day tracking you down!
He handled this one much better since this grandfather wasn't a father figure to him. And just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, they finally seemed to get better.
During this time, I began to think about backing out of the wedding and decided it would be a crummy thing to do someone. I assumed that this was just a phase that was caused by a stressful year for him.
Monday, November 17, 2014
An Aspergers Engagement
Our engagement will be described in two separate posts. This post describes the proposal and the first several months afterwards.
After going out for almost a year and a half, K and I decided to live together during the summer between my Sophomore and Junior years of college. It was just for the summer and I put as much space between us as I possibly could.
I still wasn't convinced that I should be with K. Being the innocent guy he is, he was eating lunch with a girl from one of his classes every single day while I worked at the campus pool. He was kind of enough to bring me lunch most days but even so I had high hopes that maybe he would choose her. She claimed to have a boyfriend but I did eat lunch with them on a day off and she didn't acknowledge me at all. Either way, that one fizzled out and she was gone when the summer was over.
At the end of the summer, when it was time for me to move back into the dorm, he asked "We're looking for another roommate. Why don't you just move in with me and we could get hitched next September?"
I thought he was joking so I joked back. He got a really hurt look in his eyes and said "I wasn't joking. I was being serious." Ooops.
He proceeded to ask me to marry him every two weeks from August to November. Each time, I told him I wasn't ready. Then one day in November, it occurred to me that I would really miss him if he wasn't in my life. I really did start to feel a connection and things did start to feel right. I waited until he asked again which was when we were about to leave for Thanksgiving break. He asked. I said yes.
He said "What????? I don't think we are ready for that yet."
I wasn't prepared. "But you said you were serious and acted so hurt the other times when I said, no."
"Well," he said, "I talked to my mom about it and she told me I should wait and not be in a rush."
It was a well known fact this his mother hated me. She treated me like it and told everyone she knew that she didn't like me. They weren't shy about telling me about it and neither was she.
I decided that I knew him and I was sure I'd have a diamond waiting at Christmas. For Christmas I received socks sand pajamas. I started backing off and finding reasons to avoid him. He obviously wasn't as serious as he claimed to be.
And for a month, he left me alone. Then he convinced me that he was serious.
I had a great idea for Valentines Day that year and he drove me to the mall to get what I needed. I asked if I could borrow his brother since I wasn't familiar with the mall near his house. He refused saying that he needed his brother to come with him. I started to have high hopes that maybe he was looking for a ring so I took my time walking through the mall after I gathered what I needed. I finally made my way out to the parking lot and saw him. As I approached the car, my hopes were once again dashed as he bragged about picking out my gift and being back at the mall within 15 minutes. He can't keep a secret so by the time we got to his parents house, I realized that he had in fact purchased the ring...in a 15 min. round trip to the jewelry store.
Once we got to his parents house, he asked that I wait outside explaining that he wanted to show his parents what he'd gotten me. It took forever as I went to talk to the family dogs. I was thinking, "His parents must be really upset. That's why he hasn't come back for me."
I finally knocked on the door. Someone opened the door and there was K playing video games on the computer. He had not thought to come get me and let me know it was okay to come inside.
Later that night, we went to dinner with his brother. K had a little too much wine and described the ring perfectly. At one point, he realized he'd told me exactly what he'd gotten and had a shocked look on his face. I told him it was okay and he asked if he could just go ahead and propose that night so he could show the ring to everyone at church the next morning. It wasn't the proposal I'd dreamed about but since it was what he wanted, I tried to be okay with it.
I was allowed to wear the ring to church the next morning but after that he insisted on keeping the ring with him. He was worried I would lose it. Friends were worried every time they saw me without the ring thinking that the engagement was off until I explained that he wouldn't let me wear it. I was sure that would change once we had it sized right since it was a little big.
He continued to refuse to let me wear the ring after it was sized right. He said he was concerned that I would lose it or hurt it due to my active lifestyle. Finally, a friend of my mothers very clearly told him that I was supposed to be allowed to wear the ring and never take it off. Suddenly I was allowed to wear it.
In case you are curious, the jewelry store confirmed that the ring was the fastest one they'd ever sold. He was in and out within 5 minutes with the ring. He hadn't thought to check more than one store and it was the only one in his price range.
After going out for almost a year and a half, K and I decided to live together during the summer between my Sophomore and Junior years of college. It was just for the summer and I put as much space between us as I possibly could.
I still wasn't convinced that I should be with K. Being the innocent guy he is, he was eating lunch with a girl from one of his classes every single day while I worked at the campus pool. He was kind of enough to bring me lunch most days but even so I had high hopes that maybe he would choose her. She claimed to have a boyfriend but I did eat lunch with them on a day off and she didn't acknowledge me at all. Either way, that one fizzled out and she was gone when the summer was over.
At the end of the summer, when it was time for me to move back into the dorm, he asked "We're looking for another roommate. Why don't you just move in with me and we could get hitched next September?"
I thought he was joking so I joked back. He got a really hurt look in his eyes and said "I wasn't joking. I was being serious." Ooops.
He proceeded to ask me to marry him every two weeks from August to November. Each time, I told him I wasn't ready. Then one day in November, it occurred to me that I would really miss him if he wasn't in my life. I really did start to feel a connection and things did start to feel right. I waited until he asked again which was when we were about to leave for Thanksgiving break. He asked. I said yes.
He said "What????? I don't think we are ready for that yet."
I wasn't prepared. "But you said you were serious and acted so hurt the other times when I said, no."
"Well," he said, "I talked to my mom about it and she told me I should wait and not be in a rush."
It was a well known fact this his mother hated me. She treated me like it and told everyone she knew that she didn't like me. They weren't shy about telling me about it and neither was she.
I decided that I knew him and I was sure I'd have a diamond waiting at Christmas. For Christmas I received socks sand pajamas. I started backing off and finding reasons to avoid him. He obviously wasn't as serious as he claimed to be.
And for a month, he left me alone. Then he convinced me that he was serious.
I had a great idea for Valentines Day that year and he drove me to the mall to get what I needed. I asked if I could borrow his brother since I wasn't familiar with the mall near his house. He refused saying that he needed his brother to come with him. I started to have high hopes that maybe he was looking for a ring so I took my time walking through the mall after I gathered what I needed. I finally made my way out to the parking lot and saw him. As I approached the car, my hopes were once again dashed as he bragged about picking out my gift and being back at the mall within 15 minutes. He can't keep a secret so by the time we got to his parents house, I realized that he had in fact purchased the ring...in a 15 min. round trip to the jewelry store.
Once we got to his parents house, he asked that I wait outside explaining that he wanted to show his parents what he'd gotten me. It took forever as I went to talk to the family dogs. I was thinking, "His parents must be really upset. That's why he hasn't come back for me."
I finally knocked on the door. Someone opened the door and there was K playing video games on the computer. He had not thought to come get me and let me know it was okay to come inside.
Later that night, we went to dinner with his brother. K had a little too much wine and described the ring perfectly. At one point, he realized he'd told me exactly what he'd gotten and had a shocked look on his face. I told him it was okay and he asked if he could just go ahead and propose that night so he could show the ring to everyone at church the next morning. It wasn't the proposal I'd dreamed about but since it was what he wanted, I tried to be okay with it.
I was allowed to wear the ring to church the next morning but after that he insisted on keeping the ring with him. He was worried I would lose it. Friends were worried every time they saw me without the ring thinking that the engagement was off until I explained that he wouldn't let me wear it. I was sure that would change once we had it sized right since it was a little big.
He continued to refuse to let me wear the ring after it was sized right. He said he was concerned that I would lose it or hurt it due to my active lifestyle. Finally, a friend of my mothers very clearly told him that I was supposed to be allowed to wear the ring and never take it off. Suddenly I was allowed to wear it.
In case you are curious, the jewelry store confirmed that the ring was the fastest one they'd ever sold. He was in and out within 5 minutes with the ring. He hadn't thought to check more than one store and it was the only one in his price range.
Saturday, November 15, 2014
Aspergers As A Boyfriend
I've decided to share our full story. The truth about an Aspergers/Neurotypical relationship is really hard for people on the outside to understand. When K and I were first married, I scoured the Internet looking for people with similar issues, not knowing about Aspergers Syndrome at the time. No one talked about it. This stuff is supposed to be private but keeping it in really did more damage to myself. Not that anyone would have believed me anyway. Finally around 2008, I started to find people who were writing about the same problems on message boards. All of their husbands had Asperger Syndrome. Well, that sure wasn't our problem. I surely would realize if I'd married someone autistic, right? It would be so obvious. He'd be mute if that was the case. I've come so far in my understanding since then.
I'll start from the very beginning. I was approached by someone in my dorm early in the fall of my freshman year of college. Over dinner one evening, she started to tell me she'd met a guy just like me. He could even eat almost as much as me. Entering college at 110 lbs, I could out eat all of the guys who lived on my dorm floor due to running about 50 miles a week. She was interrupted by another girl asking how things were going with my daily breakfast date and the subject was immediately dropped.
Five months later, things had not worked out with "Breakfast Boy" and K came up again. This time it resulted in a surprise meeting in this girls dorm room. I still remember thinking as I was unpacking my things from my trip home that the jeans and t-shirt I was wearing were not my first choice of clothing. I'm not even sure if my hair had been brushed that day. Still, when the same girl appeared in my doorway asking if I'd like to meet K, I said "Sure, why not?"
It was a really short meeting meant apparently for him to make sure I was acceptable not some scary "feminazi." I'd like to think he changed his mind about "feminazis" after meeting me; though I'm pretty sure he just didn't notice my personality at all. I remember thinking that his hair which was thick and curly was kind of cute. She'd told him "She's just like you. She's even almost as messy as you."
What were we thinking? We now have messy houses and huge grocery bills!
He later called and asked if I'd like to go to dinner and a movie. The night we were supposed to go out, the water went out in our twin dorms. No showers, no problem. I just showered at the gym and finished getting ready in my room. Then the phone rang and it occurred to me for the first time that the water being out might be enough for him to cancel. Nope. I guess he wanted to make sure his I didn't show up stinky because he offered to let me shower at his girl friend's apartment.
Overall, he should have gotten an 'A' for effort. I almost didn't recognize him when he met me in the lobby because he'd cut off his beautiful curls for the occasion. He cooked dinner, sang to me during dinner while he played his guitar, and then we went to watch The Titanic. However, I didn't feel any real attachment to him and I wasn't looking for a boyfriend so when he asked what I wanted, I said "I'm not looking for a relationship."
He said he understood. But when we returned from Spring Break a little over a week later, he began calling and asking me to do something every evening. I felt guilty going because I knew I didn't have any feelings for him but I felt like I should give it a try since we were supposed to be so perfect for each other. We did all sorts of fun things. Looking back, he had really planned it all out carefully to win me over. I still thought of him very much as a friend. I finally caved after a month and we were a couple.
The first six months were full of breakups. All me breaking up with him. All because I didn't feel a connection with him. The last one was at six months. It lasted two weeks. I was right to break up with him and would have been more right to stay broken up with him but everyone we knew took a side. His side. I was harassed by everything from "But he's so nice. You'll never find another one like him." to "Well, if you break up with him, we're still hanging out with him because we like him." He called and e-mailed constantly which I ignored. My roommate told him not worry that I'd be back. The final straw was when my best friend confronted me. I figured he'd get tired of me eventually.
K was everything people say would make a good boyfriend. He was loyal and happy to hang out with my friends. He seemed to really care and my friends especially liked that he wasn't all over me the way the last guy had been. He later confessed that he learned how to behave by reading a lot of Cosmo.
There were warning signs then:
I'll start from the very beginning. I was approached by someone in my dorm early in the fall of my freshman year of college. Over dinner one evening, she started to tell me she'd met a guy just like me. He could even eat almost as much as me. Entering college at 110 lbs, I could out eat all of the guys who lived on my dorm floor due to running about 50 miles a week. She was interrupted by another girl asking how things were going with my daily breakfast date and the subject was immediately dropped.
Five months later, things had not worked out with "Breakfast Boy" and K came up again. This time it resulted in a surprise meeting in this girls dorm room. I still remember thinking as I was unpacking my things from my trip home that the jeans and t-shirt I was wearing were not my first choice of clothing. I'm not even sure if my hair had been brushed that day. Still, when the same girl appeared in my doorway asking if I'd like to meet K, I said "Sure, why not?"
It was a really short meeting meant apparently for him to make sure I was acceptable not some scary "feminazi." I'd like to think he changed his mind about "feminazis" after meeting me; though I'm pretty sure he just didn't notice my personality at all. I remember thinking that his hair which was thick and curly was kind of cute. She'd told him "She's just like you. She's even almost as messy as you."
What were we thinking? We now have messy houses and huge grocery bills!
He later called and asked if I'd like to go to dinner and a movie. The night we were supposed to go out, the water went out in our twin dorms. No showers, no problem. I just showered at the gym and finished getting ready in my room. Then the phone rang and it occurred to me for the first time that the water being out might be enough for him to cancel. Nope. I guess he wanted to make sure his I didn't show up stinky because he offered to let me shower at his girl friend's apartment.
Overall, he should have gotten an 'A' for effort. I almost didn't recognize him when he met me in the lobby because he'd cut off his beautiful curls for the occasion. He cooked dinner, sang to me during dinner while he played his guitar, and then we went to watch The Titanic. However, I didn't feel any real attachment to him and I wasn't looking for a boyfriend so when he asked what I wanted, I said "I'm not looking for a relationship."
He said he understood. But when we returned from Spring Break a little over a week later, he began calling and asking me to do something every evening. I felt guilty going because I knew I didn't have any feelings for him but I felt like I should give it a try since we were supposed to be so perfect for each other. We did all sorts of fun things. Looking back, he had really planned it all out carefully to win me over. I still thought of him very much as a friend. I finally caved after a month and we were a couple.
The first six months were full of breakups. All me breaking up with him. All because I didn't feel a connection with him. The last one was at six months. It lasted two weeks. I was right to break up with him and would have been more right to stay broken up with him but everyone we knew took a side. His side. I was harassed by everything from "But he's so nice. You'll never find another one like him." to "Well, if you break up with him, we're still hanging out with him because we like him." He called and e-mailed constantly which I ignored. My roommate told him not worry that I'd be back. The final straw was when my best friend confronted me. I figured he'd get tired of me eventually.
K was everything people say would make a good boyfriend. He was loyal and happy to hang out with my friends. He seemed to really care and my friends especially liked that he wasn't all over me the way the last guy had been. He later confessed that he learned how to behave by reading a lot of Cosmo.
There were warning signs then:
- K was extremely quiet. We really didn't talk much.
- He was rather awkward. His different walk was noticeable right away.
- He does/did? have a high voice. It was noticeable to me then. Not so much 17 years later.
- It was really hard to connect with him. It took at least a year and a half before I felt a connection at all. I was ready to give up. My friends weren't.
Friday, November 14, 2014
Budgeting Two Households
Today, we had a huge argument. It was about money.
With one household, we were really on top of our game. Early in our marriage, I had nothing better to do and since we were two people living on one first year teacher's income, I pinched pennies until they bled. We never felt like we had to do without but I was very, very careful. It was 2001 and we only went shopping once per month. We shopped the sales circular. Whatever was on sale the week K got paid was what we ate for the entire month. Our budget for feeding two and household items was $150. We purchased certain bulk items like rice and flour from a warehouse store and then everything else as described above. We purchased no milk, eggs, fruit, or anything to drink. We drank water and the rest I deemed unnecessary since we were childless and slightly poor. After I had a job at one point, we had gas in ONE car and none in the other. Debt scares me. I don't feel like we are going to be making a ton later in life to pay off the debt. So, I drove K to school and picked him up for the rest of the month. Luckily as time went on and our family grew we were able to stretch out a bit not worry so much while still remaining quite frugal.
Fast forward to 2014 when we have separated into two houses and have maintained joint finances. Things aren't quite as easy now. We put down most of our pennies on the second house. For one thing, it's hard for either of us to monitor where the money is being spent since we aren't noticing new things walk into the house, we see each other's eating habits, and we have different views of necessities. A common argument here is that I bought a house we didn't need. I claim that he didn't sell a house that we didn't need. Either way things can get pretty stressful and I would think this is a normal "growing pain" of the situation.
So, I sat down with our budget that I made. It had all necessary expenses listed in one column. The next column contains the amount spent on every item. Then there is a column with each of our names and the expense amounts we are responsible for taking care of every month. We do what we can to make sure that we have the right amounts in each account. I took another look at our bank accounts. We should be fine. It will be close because the fall is always hard due to being paid at odd times but we should be fine.
As a side note, things that are not included in the budget are fun expenses for the family because we try to pay those up front rather than installments. We try to keep as few payments as possible so we don't have to tell one of the kids they have to stop an activity in the middle. Or me either. My hope is that if it comes down to not being able to afford something we will have some warning and will be able to think about how to handle it. Most of the time I feel like you'd have to pry my gym membership and swim practices from my cold dead hands but I know if I had some warning I could come up with a creative way to replace it.
With one household, we were really on top of our game. Early in our marriage, I had nothing better to do and since we were two people living on one first year teacher's income, I pinched pennies until they bled. We never felt like we had to do without but I was very, very careful. It was 2001 and we only went shopping once per month. We shopped the sales circular. Whatever was on sale the week K got paid was what we ate for the entire month. Our budget for feeding two and household items was $150. We purchased certain bulk items like rice and flour from a warehouse store and then everything else as described above. We purchased no milk, eggs, fruit, or anything to drink. We drank water and the rest I deemed unnecessary since we were childless and slightly poor. After I had a job at one point, we had gas in ONE car and none in the other. Debt scares me. I don't feel like we are going to be making a ton later in life to pay off the debt. So, I drove K to school and picked him up for the rest of the month. Luckily as time went on and our family grew we were able to stretch out a bit not worry so much while still remaining quite frugal.
Fast forward to 2014 when we have separated into two houses and have maintained joint finances. Things aren't quite as easy now. We put down most of our pennies on the second house. For one thing, it's hard for either of us to monitor where the money is being spent since we aren't noticing new things walk into the house, we see each other's eating habits, and we have different views of necessities. A common argument here is that I bought a house we didn't need. I claim that he didn't sell a house that we didn't need. Either way things can get pretty stressful and I would think this is a normal "growing pain" of the situation.
So, I sat down with our budget that I made. It had all necessary expenses listed in one column. The next column contains the amount spent on every item. Then there is a column with each of our names and the expense amounts we are responsible for taking care of every month. We do what we can to make sure that we have the right amounts in each account. I took another look at our bank accounts. We should be fine. It will be close because the fall is always hard due to being paid at odd times but we should be fine.
As a side note, things that are not included in the budget are fun expenses for the family because we try to pay those up front rather than installments. We try to keep as few payments as possible so we don't have to tell one of the kids they have to stop an activity in the middle. Or me either. My hope is that if it comes down to not being able to afford something we will have some warning and will be able to think about how to handle it. Most of the time I feel like you'd have to pry my gym membership and swim practices from my cold dead hands but I know if I had some warning I could come up with a creative way to replace it.
Thursday, November 13, 2014
Cassandra Syndrome: Is it Real?
Maxine Aston is a psychologist in England who discovered Cassandra Affective Deprivation Disorder (CADD). She says that people who live with someone with undiagnosed Asperger's Syndrome may suffer from CADD. There are many other names for this condition as well including Mirror Syndrome and Ongoing Traumatic Relationship Syndrome.
Symptoms of CADD include:
- Sleeping problems
- Fatigue
- Lethargy
- Overeating
- Depression
- Social Problems
- Anxiety
- Loss of libido
- Mood Changes
- Confused
- Angry
- PTSD
- Phobias
- Symptoms resembling Asperger Syndrome
There are a lot of people out there who claim that CADD is not real. I find that these people tend to be diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome themselves and do not want to feel like they are causing anyone harm. However, it seems that CADD mostly occurs in relationships where the partner with Asperger Syndrome is undiagnosed. The undiagnosed/unaware part of this definition is very important.
My own husband can verify that in my case this is very true. In fact, at one point he came to me and said "I know what your problem is! You have Seasonal Affective Disorder. We will get a light for your office and it will make everything all better. The only thing is that you have it all year round." CADD and Seasonal Affective Disorder have the same symptoms. It didn't take long after we married for my whole personality to change. I used to be a morning person and suddenly I was sleeping all the time. While I'd had some problems with depression, I don't remember having any anxiety at all prior to marrying K.
Resources:
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
He has Asperger Syndrome
It's been a long time since I've posted. This is largely because it's been hard to think of topics that didn't give too much personal information about our family. K has encouraged me to go ahead and write from the heart. It is with his permission that I'm going to reveal that K feels he has undiagnosed Asperger Syndrome. We hope that this will help other couples who may be in the same situation and not even know it.
I've been hesitant to throw it out there with a name for a lot of reasons. For one, he doesn't really have a diagnosis and what is put on the Internet is there forever. Asperger Syndrome has a negative connotation and while the condition fits him perfectly, he does not have many of the negative traits that are out there. K is still perfectly capable of holding down a job and he has four kids to support so I don't want to jeopardize that. I also don't want people to look at him differently because he's a pretty likeable guy.
What K is:
The real problems come down to the fact that people on the Autism Spectrum have great difficulty within an intimate relationship as well as prioritizing relationships. When my status was upgraded to "wife", I thought that our connection would only grow stronger. Unfortunately, that meant I was no longer a priority for him at all. A few years into our marriage, K was asked to prioritize everything in his life. These were the order of his priorities back then:
How come you seem to be the first to notice this? This is a question I asked myself a lot in the beginning and a reason I spent much time in denial. K was the first point it out. His parents are a lot like him. More severe in some ways actually. He was blessed to be raised in a family that thinks just like him. He adapted his behaviors for school but continued to be raised by like minded people at home. There is anecdotal evidence to show that, many times but not always, people on the spectrum get along with each other much better than they get along with Neurotypical people.
I'm going to spend some time thinking about what aspects of our relationship I'm willing to reveal. I really do want to use this blog to help other Asperger/Neurotypical couples; even it I just help them feel that they are not alone.
NOTE: Asperger Syndrome no longer exists as of DSM-5. It is all now lumped into the category of Autism. I like to make a distinction though.
Since, we were unaware of his condition when we married, it's been particularly hard on our marriage but especially on me. I'm going to add a wife's perspective on Asperger Syndrome as a focus of this blog along with the others I already have. I want to show our perspective and even support other wives as they heal with or without their Asperger spouses.
I've been hesitant to throw it out there with a name for a lot of reasons. For one, he doesn't really have a diagnosis and what is put on the Internet is there forever. Asperger Syndrome has a negative connotation and while the condition fits him perfectly, he does not have many of the negative traits that are out there. K is still perfectly capable of holding down a job and he has four kids to support so I don't want to jeopardize that. I also don't want people to look at him differently because he's a pretty likeable guy.
What K is:
- Literal
- Innocent
- Hardworking
- Immature
- Quiet
- Anxious
- Brilliantly smart
- Set in his ways
- Spontaneous but does have routines
- Intuitive
- Empathetic
- Physically Abusive
- Loud
The real problems come down to the fact that people on the Autism Spectrum have great difficulty within an intimate relationship as well as prioritizing relationships. When my status was upgraded to "wife", I thought that our connection would only grow stronger. Unfortunately, that meant I was no longer a priority for him at all. A few years into our marriage, K was asked to prioritize everything in his life. These were the order of his priorities back then:
- God
- Church
- His parents
- Our daughter
- His job
- ME.
How come you seem to be the first to notice this? This is a question I asked myself a lot in the beginning and a reason I spent much time in denial. K was the first point it out. His parents are a lot like him. More severe in some ways actually. He was blessed to be raised in a family that thinks just like him. He adapted his behaviors for school but continued to be raised by like minded people at home. There is anecdotal evidence to show that, many times but not always, people on the spectrum get along with each other much better than they get along with Neurotypical people.
I'm going to spend some time thinking about what aspects of our relationship I'm willing to reveal. I really do want to use this blog to help other Asperger/Neurotypical couples; even it I just help them feel that they are not alone.
NOTE: Asperger Syndrome no longer exists as of DSM-5. It is all now lumped into the category of Autism. I like to make a distinction though.
Since, we were unaware of his condition when we married, it's been particularly hard on our marriage but especially on me. I'm going to add a wife's perspective on Asperger Syndrome as a focus of this blog along with the others I already have. I want to show our perspective and even support other wives as they heal with or without their Asperger spouses.
Monday, July 14, 2014
Yes, All My Kids Belong to Him!
Stock Photo - image ID: 10072071
I'm going to start this post out with an explanation of who I am. Whether it intimidates you or makes you think less of me for whatever reason, I've spent most of my life as what most people would refer to as a "goody two shoes." I've let others make most of my decisions in life and I've worked hard to please others. Over the last year, I've decided that I am going to live my life the way I want to and I'm no longer listening to what other people want me to be. This in no way means I've gone wild unless you consider being more independent and riding my
I have to say that it really hurt yesterday, upon telling a relative about K and I living separately, when a relative asked me if all of my kids were K's kids. Really??? I know some people have children before they are married and that's fine. Some even go so far as to have children with one person while they are married to another. But this is not me. Honestly? I'm not sure I'd know what to do with another man if there was one! Yes, I'm that inexperienced and innocent. I still am. Living under a separate roof does not make me any less of a person.
I think I could get a divorce and people might be supportive. They would be especially supportive if I could say there was another woman. There may be a different group of people who would be supportive if I could claim I was beaten and sported bruises around everywhere. Does it matter to these people that our lifestyles are not compatible to the point where my sanity was hanging by a thread for years? No one worked harder than I did to adapt to a lifestyle that was never mentioned to me before marriage. We met in college where I already had lots of close friends. I had no idea that marriage to him was going to mean living in the middle of nowhere in a place where people were down right hateful and judgmental of women. In a place where people didn't bother to get to know me because I was an "outsider". I had no idea, it meant having to give up my favorite activities or that my kids would either be home schooled or sent to a school system that was built as favors to the adults rather than geared towards education for kids.
If you'd judged me or told me I'm going to Hell for living apart from my husband, then I'm going to tell you something about yourself. I'm not going to change your mind. It's made up. Lucky for me, YOU don't get to make the decision. It seems to me that most of you seem to believe that a woman isn't her own person with her own interests. It seems that you think the woman should give up every part of herself so that her husband can be happy. Some of you believe that the woman should be at home regardless of what the woman needs for herself rather than working. If a woman stands up for herself and her needs, she is disrespecting her husband. If she reaches out for help, she is running his name down. You believe that when a woman gets married, she signed up for that life even if it is unexpected. You believe that the woman should keep quiet and express only quietly her displeasure with this life to her husband. You don't care if the husband listens. You believe that it's the woman's job if she chooses to work full time and especially if her basic needs aren't being met by his income, to also take full responsibility of the children without any help. What if the stress of this life makes her sick? It's no concern to you. SHE chose that life.
After 13 years of living without emotional support and having little human interaction, I had the courage to move. I moved to a place where I found a way to participate in my sport again. I moved to a place where my kids have opportunities and where I no longer feel oppressed. I chose to keep things peaceful within our family and the courts out. I chose to allow the kids father to see them when he wants to rather than when there is a court order. I chose to give our marriage a chance in separate spaces where we each feel freed from the way the other needs to live. If K asked for a divorce because he didn't like this lifestyle, I'd gladly grant it, especially if it meant I had to go back and live where I moved from.
Sometimes I tell people here about the location where I used to live. About the judgement and being oppressed. Their eyes open wide in disbelief that people still believe those things. Most of them question how attitudes like that could still exist. I don't know what to tell them except that I've seen it with my own eyes and heard it with my own ears.
So to answer the question, K is the father to all four of our kids. To even ask that question hurts me deeply. Every time someone tells me that they think I'm going to hell for saving myself from misery, it also hurts. So just don't do it.
Monday, July 7, 2014
June Exercise Totals
I love my monthly updates from Endomondo .
To show improvements from last month, I exercised 3 more hours in June than I did in May and went and additional 40 miles while doing so. Seem to have lost little weight but my clothes are fitting much better. I've been able to settle into a basic routine which has small adjustments week to week:
Monday: Spin class followed by a 30-40 min. run
Tuesday: Swim practice and weights
Wednesday: off or spin class and 30-40 min. run
Thursday: Swim Practice and weights
Friday: Long Swim and or Spin/Run
Saturday: Long Bike
Sunday: Long Run
Hopefully the mileage will continue to creep up because I signed up for my first 70.3 triathlon in October.
To show improvements from last month, I exercised 3 more hours in June than I did in May and went and additional 40 miles while doing so. Seem to have lost little weight but my clothes are fitting much better. I've been able to settle into a basic routine which has small adjustments week to week:
Monday: Spin class followed by a 30-40 min. run
Tuesday: Swim practice and weights
Wednesday: off or spin class and 30-40 min. run
Thursday: Swim Practice and weights
Friday: Long Swim and or Spin/Run
Saturday: Long Bike
Sunday: Long Run
Hopefully the mileage will continue to creep up because I signed up for my first 70.3 triathlon in October.
Thursday, July 3, 2014
Time Together/Apart
I had no intentions of abandoning this blog. Life is busy but I thought I'd post an update on our situation.
One of the hardest parts of this has been learning when to visit each other. As of right now, we are visiting until there is a big argument and then we go to our separate houses. Sometimes he visits for a couple of days and sometimes for a week. We are currently averaging half the week together. I think about 3 nights is ideal for now. When the kids start sports in the fall, it might get a bit more complicated.
Some things we look forward to as a family:
- Weekly church services
- Our weekly trip to the beach
- A weekly trip to his house to make sure he is mowing the grass and taking care of the dogs and chickens.
- We love that we can live near a city and he can bring us fresh fruit, veggies, and eventually chicken from his place.
Thursday, April 17, 2014
Four Ways You Can Afford A Second Home
This does not apply to those who maintain two households from the beginning. Until the past 6 months, our family was a one household family and we'd lived that way for over 13 years. I went straight from living in the college dorms to living with K. Splitting households in our case happened as way to prevent divorce (and at times I joke around and say it prevented murder as well ha,ha) but there are other reasons that households split such as when one partner relocates for a job or school.
Being a cheapskate, money was a big obstacle when it came to living the LAT lifestyle. For me, it came down to the option of divorcing a man whose lifestyle was not compatible with mine or finding a way to make the LAT lifestyle work for us. Here are some options that we went through when deciding:
1. Renting- This may be a great option depending on the area in which you are hoping to live. This did not work for us because I ended up purchasing a house in which the mortgage payment plus tax, insurance, and utilities I came out to $50-100 less than just the rent without utilities for the area.
2. Purchasing a Duplex- There are a couple of ways this could go. You could purchase the duplex to live in as a couple each in your own living unit or you could as the spouse moving out purchase the duplex and rent out the other half for the majority of your mortgage payment. This was an option I considered. We looked at duplexes and I found the perfect one. The problem is that a duplex is going to be treated as a rental whether you are going to rent it or not and it is going to require a 20% down payment. By the time I calculated the taxes and insurance on the duplex, I was still going to be paying quite a bit per month. In addition, I would have found myself in the job of a part-time land lord.
3. Purchasing a Second home- This option was perfect for us since we were planning to live in different areas anyway. A lot of times the terms on a loan for a second home are similar to the terms of a first home but your first and second home must be a minimum distance apart; usually 50-60 miles. If you can stand to stay in your current situation for a few months or have friends/family that will help you out with a place to stay, you may be able to consider homes that sell cheaper because they are not move in ready such as foreclosures and short sales. I found a second home in a fairly safe yet not the most desirable neighborhood at a good deal.
4. Building or placing another house on the same lot as your existing home. Consider building a tiny home or moving a mobile home onto land that you already own. This wouldn't have worked for our situation because I was not happy living in the country so far away from other people and activities.
Yes, this is more expensive than living together but in the end it could potentially be a much better deal than a divorce.
How have you afforded a second home in your family? Feel free to share any ideas you have with readers here.
 |
| © Monika3stepsahead | Dreamstime Stock Photos & Stock Free Images |
Being a cheapskate, money was a big obstacle when it came to living the LAT lifestyle. For me, it came down to the option of divorcing a man whose lifestyle was not compatible with mine or finding a way to make the LAT lifestyle work for us. Here are some options that we went through when deciding:
1. Renting- This may be a great option depending on the area in which you are hoping to live. This did not work for us because I ended up purchasing a house in which the mortgage payment plus tax, insurance, and utilities I came out to $50-100 less than just the rent without utilities for the area.
2. Purchasing a Duplex- There are a couple of ways this could go. You could purchase the duplex to live in as a couple each in your own living unit or you could as the spouse moving out purchase the duplex and rent out the other half for the majority of your mortgage payment. This was an option I considered. We looked at duplexes and I found the perfect one. The problem is that a duplex is going to be treated as a rental whether you are going to rent it or not and it is going to require a 20% down payment. By the time I calculated the taxes and insurance on the duplex, I was still going to be paying quite a bit per month. In addition, I would have found myself in the job of a part-time land lord.
3. Purchasing a Second home- This option was perfect for us since we were planning to live in different areas anyway. A lot of times the terms on a loan for a second home are similar to the terms of a first home but your first and second home must be a minimum distance apart; usually 50-60 miles. If you can stand to stay in your current situation for a few months or have friends/family that will help you out with a place to stay, you may be able to consider homes that sell cheaper because they are not move in ready such as foreclosures and short sales. I found a second home in a fairly safe yet not the most desirable neighborhood at a good deal.
4. Building or placing another house on the same lot as your existing home. Consider building a tiny home or moving a mobile home onto land that you already own. This wouldn't have worked for our situation because I was not happy living in the country so far away from other people and activities.
Yes, this is more expensive than living together but in the end it could potentially be a much better deal than a divorce.
How have you afforded a second home in your family? Feel free to share any ideas you have with readers here.
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
Health/Fitness Week in Review
Right now this probably seems more like a triathlon training blog. It's not my intent but it's definitely part of my self discovery at this point.
Last week, I told you about my weight loss plan. It's a little late but today, I want to recap how it's going. We did end up eating out a couple of times last week due to travel and lack of groceries.
My fitness week:
Saturday: Biked 7 with friend (mtn bike)
Sunday: Biked 23 miles with a tri club
Monday: ran 3 and 1/2 miles pushing two year old.
Tuesday: about 2000 m or so at swim practice.
Wednesday: off
Thursday: about 2000 m or so at swim practice.
Friday: 2.5 miles running. 1 mile walking.
Saturday: OFF
Sunday: Sprint Triathlon
Monday: swim (one of those keep moving for 40 min. types of workouts)
Tuesday: OFF (appear to be getting ill)
My training actually looks a lot better when I write it out than it did as I was doing it. My plans are to include group runs, spin sessions, and hopefully a 3rd swim day in the future. Some of this will depend on the local schedules of local tri clubs.
As far as nutrition, I need to make getting groceries a priority even if I dread taking toddlers to the store.
Weight report
My jeans appear to be fitting better overall. Although tempting when I went to the gym yesterday, I'm not going to weigh myself.
Last week, I told you about my weight loss plan. It's a little late but today, I want to recap how it's going. We did end up eating out a couple of times last week due to travel and lack of groceries.
My fitness week:
Saturday: Biked 7 with friend (mtn bike)
Sunday: Biked 23 miles with a tri club
Monday: ran 3 and 1/2 miles pushing two year old.
Tuesday: about 2000 m or so at swim practice.
Wednesday: off
Thursday: about 2000 m or so at swim practice.
Friday: 2.5 miles running. 1 mile walking.
Saturday: OFF
Sunday: Sprint Triathlon
Monday: swim (one of those keep moving for 40 min. types of workouts)
Tuesday: OFF (appear to be getting ill)
My training actually looks a lot better when I write it out than it did as I was doing it. My plans are to include group runs, spin sessions, and hopefully a 3rd swim day in the future. Some of this will depend on the local schedules of local tri clubs.
As far as nutrition, I need to make getting groceries a priority even if I dread taking toddlers to the store.
Weight report
My jeans appear to be fitting better overall. Although tempting when I went to the gym yesterday, I'm not going to weigh myself.
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
White Lake Race Report
This weekend as I mentioned here, I both volunteered for the White Lake Half and completed the White Lake Sprint myself. I also mentioned that even with the opportunity a local tri club offered me the opportunity barter volunteering for a race entry, I stilled payed more after wet suit rental and babysitting than I would have paid for a sprint in early summer that fit my family's schedule better. It was a surprisingly wonderful experience that I would be happy to repeat (with faster times of course!)
Although we had a babysitter Saturday morning so K could coach a soccer game, he took the kids to stay several hours away from home at a hotel on Saturday night so that CC could participate in a soccer event. I'm happy to report that K and all four kids make it back alive.
I was very nervous about this race as I have had some poor experiences wearing a wet suit in the past. I hadn't really thought about a wet suit being necessary when I signed up for this race. I rented a wet suit the week before from a local store. I'm not sure the wet suit I own is still legal with the new USAT rules and I'm at least 30 lbs too heavy for it at this point anyway. I was really hoping the water would warm up to the 70's so I didn't have to wear the wet suit. I asked repeatedly on Saturday what the water temperature was and if people thought it would warm up. The answer was a resounding "You need to wear your wet suit!"
I packed everything for the race on Saturday night so I arrived right on schedule at the FFA Center on Sunday morning. I continued to be nervous about wearing a wet suit. I met up with some people from a local tri club in transition and made sure that I started putting my wet suit on at the same time they did. I jumped in before the race started and swam a little. The wet suit felt good and I was reassured that everyone starts to panic in open water particularly when wearing a wet suit. Knowing that the panic always happens in the first 200 meters when I am worried about getting off to a good start, I decided that I would take it easy and not worry about my speed. I would focus on finishing the race. Since I was out of shape, this was a good plan. I was very relaxed during the swim. Too relaxed. I forgot to spot the buoys and ended up way on the other side. I made my way back in and did the usual breast stroke around the buoys on the corner. As I approached the ladder I remembered to undo the velcro at my neck and let water in before climbing out. As I ran back to the transition area I remember to take my arms out of the wet suit and when I got to my place in transition, I was relieved to find out first hand that the "peel it off like a banana" advice worked well. The wet suit came right off.
Transition seemed to go fast and I was on my bike. I local triathlete passed me pretty quickly on the bike. I've biked very little lately and the headwind was terrible. And then it was a tail wind. And then the headwind was bike. I could go fast on the headwinds and slowed to 13 mph in the headwinds due to being out of shape. I had been nervous about the two loop course thinking I'd want to be done after seven miles instead of fourteen but I found I was just more prepare for the second loop.
I took a little more time in the second transition and headed out on the run reminding myself to just put one foot in front of the other. Another familiar face passed me at the water station at the one mile mark. I tried to stay with her for awhile but she was going faster than I wanted to go. This course was an out and back course which is a lot of fun because I can see the people behind me and in front of me. Triathletes in general tend to encourage each other a lot and this always helps me keep a positive attitude. A lot more people passed me but my only goal was to not walk and I made that.
The next day, I was so sore I could barely walk and almost fell down a small set of stairs. I definitely need to work on getting in better shape before I plan another race.
Things I did well at:
The swim. I almost always swim well but I was proud of myself for making it through my first swim in different wet suit. The swim program I am enrolled in at the gym has undoubtedly helped in this area.
Things I need to improve:
For the bike, I'm going to try to attend two spin classes as week. Being a mom with two small children and two older children it's not always feasible to get on my bike as much as I'd like.
For the run, I'm planning to join one group run and one group track workout to try to build up my running ability. I know I have more potential in this area.
In short, I need to work out more.
Monday, April 14, 2014
On Volunteering for an Event
This past weekend, I was given the opportunity to volunteer for the White Lake Half Triathlon in exchange for a race entry into the White Lake Sprint the following day through a local triathlon club. This was truly not a deal for me since the scheduling required me to pay for both a wet suit and a babysitter which made the cost a lot more expensive than paying full cost for the triathlon after my children were finished with their spring sports. Despite the swap not being a good financial deal, volunteering for a race was an amazing experience.
A van dropped me off on a corner in the middle of nowhere on the bike course around 9:30 am and I was a little anxious about spending the allotted seven hours there. Armed with a sandwich, two large bottles of water and some protein bars, I felt prepared for everything except boredom. As I boarded the van with other volunteers I was thinking that maybe I should have brought a fully charged Kindle to keep me entertained. It turns out that my corner was near the beginning of the bike course and by 11:30 am all the bikers had passed us.
Shortly after the last biker passed, the volunteer van came by and picked me up. We rode through the rest of the 56 mile bike course picking up volunteers, cleaning up water stations, and even picking up a triathlete that dropped out. It was fun to talk with other volunteers and their reasons for being there. Some of them had family members competing in the race, one lady was volunteering as a way to keep participating as she recovered from injury, and there was a college tri club that had volunteered as a group. As we road, we checked out several of the athletes that had stood out to us as we were at our stations. The ones that had refused water and others that we were concerned about whether or not they were in shape to go the entire distance.
Once we arrived back at the race site, I was asked to help work the finish line. I really lucked out being placed at the finish line. When I'm doing a triathlon myself, I don't have the opportunity to see the winner cross the line (or any of the many, many others who come in in front of me) and I'm usually off recovering somewhere when the people behind me come in. It was very nice to see the first and last people and every one in between come in at this race.
I don't know if it is because the distance was so long, or if it's always like this but watching the emotion of the finish line was an experience I won't forget. I'm not sure I've ever seen a set of pictures capture it but someone who is a photographer certainly should go to a race and focus only on the emotion of the finish line.
Some memorable moments that I wish I could share with you:
1. The men that came across the line with a kid hanging on each arm.
2. The woman who finished the entire half iron distance after wrecking her bike with road rash covering her back.
3. The many sets of women who stopped before they crossed the finish line and gave each other a big hug.
4. All the people who came across the line holding hands.
5. The coaches who ran across the line with the every day athletes they were training.
6. The man who came back to the finish line to hug the volunteer that had helped him stay on his feet.
7. The woman who was visibly upset and worried when there was no sign of her husband long after she expected him to cross the finish line.
8. All the teams waiting at the finish line to greet the teammates they'd trained so hard with.
9. The spouses that greeted the finishers with admiration and support.
10. All the cheers and high fives of congratulations.
At one point, someone turned to the college volunteers at the finish line and said "If you think you are ever too out of shape or too heavy to do a triathlon. Don't! Look at all of these people who are finishing the race." It wasn't an insult. It was a comment of admiration for these people. It is truly amazing what these people accomplished.
Some people think I'm nuts but I think I want to volunteer again. Just to volunteer. Maybe there will be a time this summer when I can do that.
A van dropped me off on a corner in the middle of nowhere on the bike course around 9:30 am and I was a little anxious about spending the allotted seven hours there. Armed with a sandwich, two large bottles of water and some protein bars, I felt prepared for everything except boredom. As I boarded the van with other volunteers I was thinking that maybe I should have brought a fully charged Kindle to keep me entertained. It turns out that my corner was near the beginning of the bike course and by 11:30 am all the bikers had passed us.
Shortly after the last biker passed, the volunteer van came by and picked me up. We rode through the rest of the 56 mile bike course picking up volunteers, cleaning up water stations, and even picking up a triathlete that dropped out. It was fun to talk with other volunteers and their reasons for being there. Some of them had family members competing in the race, one lady was volunteering as a way to keep participating as she recovered from injury, and there was a college tri club that had volunteered as a group. As we road, we checked out several of the athletes that had stood out to us as we were at our stations. The ones that had refused water and others that we were concerned about whether or not they were in shape to go the entire distance.
Once we arrived back at the race site, I was asked to help work the finish line. I really lucked out being placed at the finish line. When I'm doing a triathlon myself, I don't have the opportunity to see the winner cross the line (or any of the many, many others who come in in front of me) and I'm usually off recovering somewhere when the people behind me come in. It was very nice to see the first and last people and every one in between come in at this race.
I don't know if it is because the distance was so long, or if it's always like this but watching the emotion of the finish line was an experience I won't forget. I'm not sure I've ever seen a set of pictures capture it but someone who is a photographer certainly should go to a race and focus only on the emotion of the finish line.
Some memorable moments that I wish I could share with you:
1. The men that came across the line with a kid hanging on each arm.
2. The woman who finished the entire half iron distance after wrecking her bike with road rash covering her back.
3. The many sets of women who stopped before they crossed the finish line and gave each other a big hug.
4. All the people who came across the line holding hands.
5. The coaches who ran across the line with the every day athletes they were training.
6. The man who came back to the finish line to hug the volunteer that had helped him stay on his feet.
7. The woman who was visibly upset and worried when there was no sign of her husband long after she expected him to cross the finish line.
8. All the teams waiting at the finish line to greet the teammates they'd trained so hard with.
9. The spouses that greeted the finishers with admiration and support.
10. All the cheers and high fives of congratulations.
At one point, someone turned to the college volunteers at the finish line and said "If you think you are ever too out of shape or too heavy to do a triathlon. Don't! Look at all of these people who are finishing the race." It wasn't an insult. It was a comment of admiration for these people. It is truly amazing what these people accomplished.
Some people think I'm nuts but I think I want to volunteer again. Just to volunteer. Maybe there will be a time this summer when I can do that.
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
My Painless Weight Loss Plan
 |
| The tri-shorts CC wants to borrow |
This morning CC, my skinny as a rail 11 year old daughter, picked up a pair of tri-shorts that I purchased two years ago. My big toe wouldn't fit in them now.
"Hey Mom," she said, "Can I borrow these for my next triathlon?"
I looked over to see she was already trying them on and they fit perfectly. Was I really that thin two years ago? I'm sure I stretched them out a little more than she did so I probably wasn't THAT skinny but it is a painful reminder of the 30 pounds I gained while pregnant with B that I never lost.
I used to dream of being one of the women that came out of pregnancy thinner than I went in but I always had a minimum weight gain of 35 pounds and most of the time it was much higher. Add to that the stress of life since B was born which ultimately led to me moving to a new city and trying to juggle my telecommuting job with a baby and toddler mostly alone in addition to having two older children with me part time. I've been easy on myself. I've let exercise fall by the wayside in the name of being a busy, working mom and while I was still eating some good foods I was indulging in a lot of junk like the time I bought an entire box of Reese's Cups that I was going to give to K but ended up eating myself.
So what is my plan? I'll preface the details by saying that there is nothing scientific about it as it is based on my previous experiences.
1. I'm tossing out the scales.
We have a scale at K's house. If I went back through the list of things that would be mine, this one of them as I think it was a gift a while ago. However, I know that when I do things right, I lose an average of 5 lbs per month until I get to my ideal weight. I also know that the scale causes stress because I appear to be at a weight loss stand still until all at once I lose 5 lbs. I'm really after losing clothing sizes anyway.
2. I'm going to enjoy being active.
Everyone has or could have a sport that they really enjoy. I enjoy the sports involved in triathlon and that's what I'm going to focus on. I also like to exercise socially as opposed to alone and it must be something that gets my heart rate up. I discovered during my last pregnancy that running and swimming with a low heart rate are also no fun for me.
Now that I know that I'm in this location for the foreseeable future, this also means doing a bit of research to figure out a schedule for workouts that might work for me and how to work that around taking care of my kids. I asked our local Roadrunners Club about bringing my double stroller to runs and they said they have lots of women who do just that. Most of the tri clubs in the area seem to do a lot of workouts on the weekends so I plan to attend these hoping to enlist K's help watching the kids. Our local YMCA offers childcare with membership so any of their classes are good during childcare hours. I am already committed to swimming there twice a week. Overall my goal is to find a group workout of some type 5 or 6 times a week.
I would encourage everyone to find something they truly enjoy. Exercise doesn't have to be alone and it doesn't have to be running on a treadmill, riding a stationary bike, or the dreaded walking. There's kayaking, martial arts, yoga, volleyball, and sports of which many of us have never heard. Pick something that you are going to look forward to doing and improving. Keep trying new things until you find the one thing that you look forward to. In my opinion exercise, should not be done for weight loss; it should be done for the love of the activity.
3. Eating at home.
We are going to commit to eating at home in both households. This alone has caused a lot of weight loss in the past. Even eating at "good" restaurants seems cause weight gain for me. As a family of 6, we really can't afford to eat out that often anyway so this should trim more than just our waistlines. Next, I'm going to severely limit the amount of refined sugar I consume and commit to replacing as much as possible with stevia. Lastly,we as a family are going to commit to lowering the amount of processed foods we are eating.
Friday, April 4, 2014
A Busy Day with the Kids
I want to thank every for being so encouraging. Over the past week, I've had messages from lots of women who've told me their stories. I've had people who said they supported my posts and having gone public about our living separately. Thank you. It means a lot to know there is love out there.
The most important piece of my life is my children. We have four; 3 daughters and a son. CC is 11 years old. SS is 8 years old. Little M is almost three years old and our youngest B is one year old. Little M and B have primarily lived with me over the last 6 months as they have a few more needs that only a mama can really provide. CC and SS had some activities they needed to finish up at the old house and for now the plan is for them to stay here with me on a more long term basis as soon as their activities are over.
CC was with us yesterday and we had so much fun. The night before I made my first attempt at homemade ice cream. I was discouraged from using the ice cream maker at the other house so I splurged and got a cheap one for my house. I didn't realize I was supposed to freeze the bowl for 6 hours and so to prevent so much disappointment I promised to make it first thing in the morning and we'd have ice cream and pancakes for breakfast. After a few more bumps in the road, we made the ice cream with coconut milk and it was so good!
Then it was time to head off to the pool for a swim practice in which I felt particularly good. I was late arriving as usual and this time that meant sharing a lane with different people. To my surprise, due to a little miracle call drafting, I was able to keep up and even complete the longer distances on time. It was a good feeling.
After a quick lunch, we were off to watch a soccer game in which CC played an awesome game of goalie only letting two by her in the last 5 min. of the game. The last she played this team, the other team scored so many goals I lost count.
We dropped the little ones off at a child care center I use frequently so I can get my work done. Instead of heading home to get my work done, we headed over to a local sports store to participate in a "scavenger hunt" in which CC and I ran/walked 3 miles to get raffle tickets. We didn't win anything but we had such a good time together. And that's the way exercise should be!
Then we picked up the little ones and headed home to work for real Thank goodness all days aren't so busy!
The most important piece of my life is my children. We have four; 3 daughters and a son. CC is 11 years old. SS is 8 years old. Little M is almost three years old and our youngest B is one year old. Little M and B have primarily lived with me over the last 6 months as they have a few more needs that only a mama can really provide. CC and SS had some activities they needed to finish up at the old house and for now the plan is for them to stay here with me on a more long term basis as soon as their activities are over.
CC was with us yesterday and we had so much fun. The night before I made my first attempt at homemade ice cream. I was discouraged from using the ice cream maker at the other house so I splurged and got a cheap one for my house. I didn't realize I was supposed to freeze the bowl for 6 hours and so to prevent so much disappointment I promised to make it first thing in the morning and we'd have ice cream and pancakes for breakfast. After a few more bumps in the road, we made the ice cream with coconut milk and it was so good!
Then it was time to head off to the pool for a swim practice in which I felt particularly good. I was late arriving as usual and this time that meant sharing a lane with different people. To my surprise, due to a little miracle call drafting, I was able to keep up and even complete the longer distances on time. It was a good feeling.
After a quick lunch, we were off to watch a soccer game in which CC played an awesome game of goalie only letting two by her in the last 5 min. of the game. The last she played this team, the other team scored so many goals I lost count.
We dropped the little ones off at a child care center I use frequently so I can get my work done. Instead of heading home to get my work done, we headed over to a local sports store to participate in a "scavenger hunt" in which CC and I ran/walked 3 miles to get raffle tickets. We didn't win anything but we had such a good time together. And that's the way exercise should be!
Then we picked up the little ones and headed home to work for real Thank goodness all days aren't so busy!
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
Little Fish in a Big Sea
image source: http://www.openclipart.org/image/800px/svg_to_png/189414/cutie-fish-in-water.png
I have lived in small towns all my life. Let me tell you the definition changes a lot from place to place. This is a conversation that took place fairly soon after I got to college:
Friend: Are you from a small town or a city?
Me: I'm from a small town
Friend: Oh, so you are used to this type of place.
Me: Oh no. There is a Walmart here. That makes it a big city.
Now, of course, the tiny town I grew up in also has a very tiny Walmart but it's still a tiny town. It's not quite as much in the middle of nowhere as where I've spent the past 12 1/2 years and it seemed to have more to do as the nearest shopping was only 30 min. away.
Now, I've moved to civilization for the first time in years. I am truly happy to be living where I am and I'm so thankful that I have the opportunity to be here. The truth is that I'm getting a little overwhelmed at the possibilities. There are so many things I want to be involved in and as a mom of four kids with an almost full time job that carries strange hours at times, it's just not going to be possible to participate in everything. So I narrowed my frequent participation down to the one activity that I know I chose for myself years ago. I'm focusing on what little triathlon training I have time to get in.
And even with the focus of triathlon training (which in itself involves swimming, biking, and running) there are so many options! There are at least four separate clubs and I hear there are more. I quickly eliminated one because it was very expensive with no childcare options. I attended the meeting of another but I really stuck out like a sore thumb with my secondhand clothes and toe shoes. I was happy to chose the one where people showed up to dinner in their work out clothes. I am definitely comfortable there. But even beyond the clubs related classes, coached sessions, and extra rides and runs are overwhelming to keep up with. Add in that it is necessary to coordinate childcare for those workouts and it's enough to make my head spin.
Sometimes we just sit at home but the idea that I could go somewhere is wonderful. For so long the options weren't available.
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
"Why are you doing this to yourself and your family?"
Image courtesy of Stuart Miles / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
No one has actually asked that question to me yet but I know how people talk. I know that you aren't supposed to talk about your personal life in public much less on the Internet where all can read it. So why am I doing this?Writing is therapy
Writing is the best therapy for me. I've written things since I was young just to feel better. I've written them in journal form, in letter form, in story form, in any form you can imagine and it does make me feel better. So why not just keep it private? I learned a long time ago that I really feel better when I can write interactively.
Living apart together is fairly new
There may specifically be other people who are choosing to live apart for various reasons including jobs, life style choice, etc who may be looking for others in a similar situation. We are learning lessons every day about what's working for us and what isn't. I don't mind sharing those lessons at all.
So others see they aren't the only ones.
All those years ago when I was looking for someone in a similar situation, I never found one until the last few years. The problems were there but no one was talking about them. I want people to see that there may be times when living in the same house isn't going to work but there may be other solutions to try before you completely give up and get a divorce. Marriage doesn't have to be black and white.
When I published my first post a couple of days ago, I had many women contact me. Many of these women had done as we were always told. They'd kept quiet about the problems until one day they were announcing their divorce. Keeping quiet about your troubles can cause a lot of health problems as I stated in my original post. It can also cause a lot of stress and anger (which lead to the health problems). In addition, these women shared similar experiences with churches and friends turning against them when they decided they just couldn't take it any more.
So many times, I've sat in a circle of women while they talked. I've heard them say "I can't believe that couple is getting a divorce. They seemed so perfect for each other" OR I've heard as they judged a couple "There are no problems worth getting a divorce over. Whatever the issues are, they are just not working hard enough." I've always wanted to speak up and say "I understand how they might want a divorce. I can understand that they've worked so hard that they just can't work any harder."
One woman even declared multiple times that if everyone just read the same book and followed every step in it that they would have a marriage made in heaven. At the time I agreed because if someone had been thoughtful enough to do those things for me, I would have cried a lot of happy tears. Now, many years later, I realize those things weren't done for me because those were not the things that my husband valued. I was doing those things instinctively but in my marriage, those things just weren't going to work. I was missing a lot of important information.
I'm not advocating that you should share your marital problems with everyone who'll read them like I have. I am saying that when someone reaches out to us because they need an ear, we should listen. I'm saying that we shouldn't judge when we don't know anything about the situation or even if we only know one side. I'll caution that actually speaking the words "there are two sides to every story" is probably a really bad idea. Just keep in mind there there are two sides. I also saying that I'm writing this blog in support of all those women and maybe even men who feel like they are the only ones struggling to find a solution.
I think the biggest thing we need to remember is that no one can understand the problems in a particular relationship unless they are in it. And from someone who's "been there", sometimes even then it's' hard to understand. As women, why do we tear each other down so much rather than building each other up?
And finally, I'm not writing about living separately to encourage anyone else to live separately. I lived in the same house struggling for a solution for over 12 years. This is definitely not a solution for small problems. This is a solution as a last resort before divorce.
Potluck for a Family of 6
Image courtesy of Daniel St. Pierre / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
When something goes right I really want to tell you about it since there may be others in a similar situation looking for ideas to make it work. Last night, my husband had an amazing idea that went really well.
Our kitchen has always been a major issue. Not an issue that would make or break a marriage but it's definitely a topic that has caused some tension. It all started back when we moved in together.
K was going to be spending the summer with his parents while he completed an internship required for college graduation. He visited on the weekends. He moved his stuff from his apartment into the one we shared. He set his kitchen stuff on the living room floor. For two weeks I walked around his kitchen stuff and finally put it away. The next weekend I asked him why he left it on the floor. His response was "I wanted you to set up your kitchen the way you wanted it." I had to remind him that he hated my cooking and if he wanted me to cook he was going to have to eat what I cooked. K has done most of the cooking since that day because I don't cook like his Mamaw.
We spent 13 years trying to get the kitchen right. I would put things away when I did the dishes and K would never be able to find them because I didn't put them away in the right spot. He'd do the dishes and put them away in the "right" spot and I wouldn't be able to find what I needed in the kitchen. Now, neither of us wants the other in our own kitchen any more than we want to be in each other's kitchens. Team work has never been something we excelled at together and there was especially no teamwork in the kitchen.
Then something amazing happened last night. K called me and said "I'll bring roasted veggies if you will cook the roast I left in your fridge." And that is exactly what happened. We made dinner separately to eat together. I didn't follow his detailed instructions on how to fix the roast and he ate it anyway.
We live an hour apart so it can't be an every night affair but I really liked the way it went. It might be the very first time we've worked together to achieve something besides a high stress environment.
Who does the cooking at your house?
Monday, March 31, 2014
Happy Birthday B!
Our youngest child had her 1st Birthday yesterday. It was in the middle of a very busy weekend, We originally had 3 soccer games and a triathlon scheduled. Thank goodness the soccer games were rained out but we still had some work deadlines to fill those up.
I feel terrible that the celebration of B's birthday consisted only of birthday frozen yogurt at a frozen yogurt bar. At least, we were all together and I do plan to split a birthday party between the two younger ones in a month and chances are they won't remember it anyway.
Here is a picture of B with her frozen yogurt.
Sunday, March 30, 2014
Here's My Party
Image courtesy of m_bartosch] / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Someone suggested recently that my husband and I throw a party to announce our relatively new living situation much in the same way a couple would if they were getting married. This was suggested because I mentioned some of the very rude comments I've gotten.
The back story
We were married in almost 13 years ago and right away it was obvious that we had some abnormal problems in our marriage. The problems showed up on the first day. They didn't even wait a week, a month, or a year as they do in most marriages. We didn't know what was causing all these problems. The problems began to cause a lot of disagreements quickly. I was online trying desperately to find others in the same situation in hopes of fixing the problems. I didn't find any examples of similar situations.
When I got a job and we had childcare for our daughter, I called a religious counseling organization and asked for an appointment. We got a few things fixed but since we didn't know the root of the problems, they still existed.
Through the years I tried antidepressants sand even ADHD medication for a time. The troubles had taken such a toll that my body was actually getting sick and the ADHD medication likely sped that up a little. Luckily a friend recognized some other symptoms I was having and suggested I find an integrated doctor who was able to help me stop the problems and get back on track.
Before our fourth child was born, I decided that I must just be too angry at my husband and I contacted another religious organization for marriage counseling. Since we were still missing the root cause of the problems this also did no good.
A week or two before our fourth child was born, I had an epiphany. I knew exactly what was wrong and so did he. If you have had children before, you know that a week or two before any child is born is NOT the time to have an epiphany. Five months or so later, I found a new therapist for us and was able to walk in and tell her the problem. She would not have believed me if I didn't send her weekly journals of what was going on.
In October of 2013, I made plans to go to the beach to think for three months. It was very nice to be away from the problems and near other people where I could just be who I am. Being away from the problems was amazing. The two little ones were able to get on a better schedule. We were able to have the option to be around other people at any given time. Socializing, as it turns out, is the key to my emotional well-being. My husband was not willing to move. He stood his ground that his place was in the country (read: an hour from the nearest place with any population to speak of). It was quickly decided that I would purchase a small house at the edge of the city and he would continue to live our house. He would visit us.
Comments that have been less than helpful in the past
"You just need to try harder. Just do whatever it takes to make him happy."
"It's your fault. You aren't submissive enough. If you just let him take his place in the lead, it would solve all the problems."
"You should not divorce. I wish I'd never divorced my husband that I later remarried."
"You are just not nice to him at all. If you would be nicer and be sure to discuss everything in private then you wouldn't have any problems" Please note, that if nothing was discussed right then and there, it just wasn't discussed. Nothing was discussed in private at all which was one of the many problems.
"Your place is in the home. If you just quit your job so you only had to listen to your husband, it would all be better." Note: I'm very thankful that I have a job which allowed me options when I truly needed them.
"You expect too much of him."
"He's just being a man"
And from family: "No, you will not run away from you marriage by visiting my house without your husband." Sometimes a break was needed. Thanks for trusting my judgement and instincts.
Comments that are less than helpful now
"Why are your older kids spending time with him?" Uhhh because he's their dad and they still have activities closer to the old house.
"You can't expect what other women expect. You LEFT him." Physically, I moved out of our house. We are still living as a married couple in other ways. I'm sorry that makes you uncomfortable but we as a couple are writing the rules and we aren't taking your input.
"Oh so you are just co-parenting!" Umm no. I can co-parent without a ring on my finger. If I'm staying married then I need us to be more than just co-parents.
For the record...
There is no other man or other woman as far as I know.
God still loves me and sees the hard work I've put into our marriage.
I don't really care what you think of our situation.
Living separately together is becoming more common. It's not the first solution I'd recommend but it's the right solution for us for now.
We are still a family. If you hold a family event, please be prepared that we may both or all show up. It's also possible that only the one you are closest to will show up. If you specifically exclude one spouse at a family function, we may take offense.
I don't know if we will live like this forever. We might decide to move back together or we might decide to divorce. The beauty of this is that it's our decision to make and we aren't accepting input.
What do I need now?
I need emotional support.
I need to be around positive people.
I need to feel needed and wanted.
I need the opportunity to figure out who I really am.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)