He has Asperger Syndrome

It's been a long time since I've posted.  This is largely because it's been hard to think of topics that didn't give too much personal information about our family.  K has encouraged me to go ahead and write from the heart.  It is with his permission that I'm going to reveal that K feels he has undiagnosed Asperger Syndrome.  We hope that this will help other couples who may be in the same situation and not even know it.

I've been hesitant to throw it out there with a name for a lot of reasons.  For one, he doesn't really have a diagnosis and what is put on the Internet is there forever.  Asperger Syndrome has a negative connotation and while the condition fits him perfectly, he does not have many of the negative traits that are out there.  K is still perfectly capable of holding down a job and he has four kids to support so I don't want to jeopardize that.   I also don't want people to look at him differently because he's a pretty likeable guy.

What K is:

• Literal
• Innocent
• Hardworking
• Immature
• Quiet
• Anxious
• Brilliantly smart
• Set in his ways
• Spontaneous but does have routines

What K is not:

• Intuitive
• Empathetic
• Physically Abusive
• Loud

You say most of those things sound good? Yes, he has a lot of really great qualities and it's important for everyone to see those.  While there are a lot of way more low functioning cases, there are a lot of way more high functioning cases sometimes too.  Most of the time, I really feel his Asperger Syndrome only affects our marriage.  He's very intelligent and was able to see what people in society wanted quickly.  He fits in.  Many times much better than I do.

The real problems come down to the fact that people on the Autism Spectrum have great difficulty within an intimate relationship as well as prioritizing relationships.  When my status was upgraded to "wife", I thought that our connection would only grow stronger.  Unfortunately, that meant I was no longer a priority for him at all.  A few years into our marriage, K was asked to prioritize everything in his life.  These were the order of his priorities back then:

1. God
2. Church
3. His parents
4. Our daughter
5. His job
6.  ME.

Yes, I was 6th on his list of priorities and I was treated like it too. If any of the above wanted him to do something, he would break plans with me and go do whatever these people wanted.  I want to make it clear that I don't have a problem with God being the top priority but for the first 7 years of our marriage, he confused God and church until a huge wake up call came.  He had very good logical reasons for putting all of these things ahead of me but the truth is that marriage and love are not supposed to be logical.

How come you seem to be the first to notice this?  This is a question I asked myself a lot in the beginning and a reason I spent much time in denial.  K was the first point it out.  His parents are a lot like him. More severe in some ways actually.  He was blessed to be raised in a family that thinks just like him. He adapted his behaviors for school but continued to be raised by like minded people at home.  There is anecdotal evidence to show that, many times but not always, people on the spectrum get along with each other much better than they get along with Neurotypical people.

I'm going to spend some time thinking about what aspects of our relationship I'm willing to reveal.  I really do want to use this blog to help other Asperger/Neurotypical couples; even it I just help them feel that they are not alone. 

NOTE: Asperger Syndrome no longer exists as of DSM-5.  It is all now lumped into the category of Autism.  I like to make a distinction though.

Since, we were unaware of his condition when we married, it's been particularly hard on our marriage but especially on me.  I'm going to add a wife's perspective on Asperger Syndrome as a focus of this blog along with the others I already have.  I want to show our perspective and even support other wives as they heal with or without their Asperger spouses.