Aspergers/NT Expecting

I had always loved kids and babies.  Before we were married, I had wanted 8 and he wanted 2.  We unrealistically compromised at 6.  We decided to wait 5 years after marriage before we had kids. That was the original plan anyway.

It wasn't long before we had an infant and toddler move in next door with their parents.  I would be talking to K in the apartment and suddenly he'd stop responding. I'd go out in the living room where he'd been watching TV.  He was always gone.  He hadn't even let me know he'd left!  Ninety percent of the time I'd walk out side and I could already see him sitting in our neighbors' living room playing with those boys.  He loved seeing them.  I began to see this as my opportunity to bring him back.

Note: In high school, when they told you that having babies to save a relationship was wrong, they weren't just talking about before you are married.  It's also not a good idea to have a baby to save a marriage.  That did not occur to me at the time though and I love ALL of our children very much regardless.

One day, as he was talking about the kids next door I said "We could have some those, you know."

He looked stunned as if the idea had never occurred to him. He didn't say anything else until we were driving to visit family over Thanksgiving.  We were in the car alone

K:  I need you to do me a favor.  I've been praying that we'd get pregnant for two months and you just keep getting your period.  I was thinking if you pray too, then it would help.  You know that whole two or more thing...
Me: Oh, should I go off the pill? Or maybe we should start having sex??!
K: Oh no. Neither of those.  If God wants it to happen, it will happen.
Me: I'm pretty sure we are going to have to meet him half way on this one.
K: Well, let's just wait and see.

By January, he had conceded that we could go off the pill and have sex but only for two months to get pregnant.  I got pregnant on the first cycle. 

I'd just gotten a temporary job with full time hours. I was back in school to see if I could find an actual job, I'd volunteered to help out with the local track team and then I was pregnant.  I was starting to feel really stressed.  Track had not yet started when we saw the coach at the bank.  He asked if I was still planning to help out and just as I was about to say that I was reconsidering, K spoke up and said "Of course she is! She can't wait!"  So that was that.

I held up really well until we had a week off at Easter. I started to have panic attacks but I was young and didn't know what those were. I'd never had them before.  We were supposed to be visiting his parents.  I didn't last long there and made him drive me 4 1/2 hours home.  He left me there and went back to visit his parents. Thank goodness,  my mom came to stay with me so didn't have to suffer through the scary attacks by myself. Oddly, none occurred while she was there.  They were in full force once he returned though.

I was so scared of having these panic attacks that I didn't sleep at night. Things were finally going better with K.  He was starting to be some what loving again in his own way, so I'd lie down with him until he went to sleep and then I'd get up again.  I was averaging about 2-4 hours of sleep per night.  I was still having the panic attacks.  Almost all at night but it eventually turned into constant anxiety.

One day K cames to me and said "I'm concerned about you. I read somewhere that people can die without enough sleep." Thanks! That makes me feel a lot better.

On the fourth of July, I was about 6 months pregnant and felt HUGE.  I really wanted to go see fireworks.  K refused saying that it was too hot to go sit in a crowd.  I was very disappointed and we spent our evening the usual way. K watched TV shows that he knew I didn't like and I spent the evening on the computer trying to get social interaction from Internet forums since it seemed to be the best I could do in that small town.  When the 11 o'clock news came on, K got really excited and told me I need to come see what was on TV as he was just sure I was going to like it.

It turns out there were fire works on the 11 o'clock news. I was not impressed. K could not understand how it wasn't the same thing.  He figured it would be just as good.

Ten days later was our first anniversary.  His mom called.  He hung up the phone and said "Mom says I should take you out to dinner for our anniversary."  I was thinking.  After a year of being married to you, I deserve a lot more than dinner out!

Later that summer, we were sitting at the kitchen table.  I was chopping vegetables for dinner.  He was going on and on about how much he wanted a boy. 

Me: What's wrong with having a girl?
K: I don't think you'd make such a good mom for a girl.
Me. Why not?
K: Well if we have a girl whose going to teach her how to dress nice or put on make up.
Me: I wore make up at our wedding.
K: Yes, you looked beautiful. I meant to ask you who did that for you.
Me: It was ME. I did my own make up.

When I signed us up for childbirth classes, I asked him if the days  I scheduled would be okay.

K:"Why does my schedule matter? I don't need to go."
Me: Yes you do. You are the dad. You are going to be there.
K: My dad wasn't there when I was born. Why should I be there when this one is born?
Me: You're going.

He spent most of the class sessions talking about getting donuts from Krispy Kreme.  He never got them because I'd spent any extra money on the classes and the gas to get there. 

I had been about 4 months pregnant when K came home to find his very modest, flannel pajama loving wife sitting around naked. He was shocked. I explained that my clothes were uncomfortable so I just took them off.  This came up later in childbirth class when the instructor was talking about the stages of labor. She explained that if a woman was losing her modesty and taking off clothes it was time to go to the hospital.  K was very, very concerned about this and raised his hand. "How will I know when to go to the hospital if she lost her modesty at four months pregnant?" 

I went into labor after having a dinner guest one night.  My water broke and K was so excited.   When it was time to go to the hospital, I decided to wear a dress in an attempt to avoid wet pants as I wasn't really prepared for my water to break.  When I came out with my things, he said "Why are you wearing a dress? You are going to the hospital, not to church!"

He called his parents who said they would leave when his dad got off work at 2am.  This wasn't how I imagined it going. No one asked if it was okay if they came so soon.  Luckily, Cupcake was born about an hour before they walked in the hospital room unannounced leaving us with no bonding time as a family. They insisted that K make the hour drive back to our apartment with them because they had brought the crib mattress we needed with this.  That's what you get stuck getting when you wait until the last minute to ask what we need.

I had not wanted to go to the hospital at all.  The place scared me and I didn't want to be left alone. I tried to protest. I hadn't even been able to get cleaned up yet.  He insisted that he go let his parents into our apartment.  It took him 6 hours to return.  He decided to take a nap while he was there.  I had to leave the baby in the nursery which I was very against so I could get a shower.

That night, K did get up with Cupcake so I could sleep some.  He's been in love with all of his kids at first sight.  He doesn't always understand them, but he loves them very much.