"That's just being a man"

A couple of weeks ago, I was trying to back out of my driveway.  K was visiting as he seems to spend most of his time at my house these days.     K had not pulled his car up to the point where I'd repeatedly asked him to.  I was in a rush.    I tried to back out of the driveway 20 times and each time I felt my car falling into the ditch, I pulled back up.  As I was pulling out, I saw the neighbor across the street in her yard.

When I returned, I remembered something I wanted to tell the neighbor about being gone and expecting some packages.  She mentioned how much watching me back out that morning had scared her.  I explained that I'd talked with K about pulling his car up before and he just wouldn't listen.  Her response was classic "That's all men."

Yes, individual incidents like that where a man puts his wife in danger of running her car into the ditch might be just being a man but when you are married to a man with Aspergers, it's so much more.  These incidents are constant.  There is no redeeming moment.  There's no apology. 

Being married to a man with Aspergers is like having all the bad traits of men amplified with few moments of redemption.  There's his need for power and control but no tender moments in the evenings when the kids have gone to bed.    There's getting mad and breaking things but no he makes no apologies about it and sometimes never fixes or replaces what he breaks.

He gets a long with everyone but his own wife.  He will say whatever it takes to please them but he will never stand up for his wife.  People once told my husband  they thought I was an awful person.  When asked what he said to that, said "I didn't say anything.  I don't know what you might have said when I'm not with you."

No, it's not just being married to a man.  It all adds up and it adds up to an emotionally drained and lonely wife.

The Double Standard

I've tried to get this situation out of my head but there it sits and it's all to common in this  AS/NT relationship.

When we came home from the house K is supposed to be living in, we drove straight to church.  Cupcake had to be there to volunteer.  Short cake really wanted to go and I wanted her to go but I looked terrible.  I go out without make up all the time and none of my clothes are in style so if I didn't want to get out of the car because  I was embarrassed about how I looked, it was bad.  I had on faded black jeans, and old t-shirt with the screen print falling off, old glasses from the nineties and I was in very bad need of a hair cut and of course no make up. If I'd just had a few of those things going on, I would have taken her in.

K and I had a huge argument I in the car sitting outside of the church.  He told me it was ridiculous to care about how I looked and how dumb caring about what other people thought was.  He finally took us.  When he realized that Shortcake and I fully expected him to take her back to church he said "What? I can't take her to church. I'm wearing a raggedy shirt and jeans with holes in them."   See the double standard? 

So many things are okay for him and yet not okay for me.  In the end, I changed shirts and put on make up and took Shortcake back to church 30 min. late.